so tomorrow we start past work again. we had started briefly back in the fall, but we were interrupted by other life events. My life was utter chaos for so long. Now i dont understand where i am anymore

for one.. i dont comprehend the lack of chaos. i was in survival mode for so very long. i often feel emotionally/mentally disoriented because "normal" doesn't make sense to me.

second.. i am on my own in ways that i had not been for the past 11 yrs. Everything feels new and weird and scary. i dont have a lot of the internal skills which make this sort of coping and problem solving work right. i have intense fears of impending doom. Face it, doom hung over my head constantly for several years. i walked on top of a LOT of eggshells.

something weird is happening though and i am not sure what it means... i am definitely stronger than i was, no two ways about it. i am more self contained as well. i do a lot of things differently, and mostly in healthier ways. So that part is all good. T will be happy about the big changes for sure - if i tell him that is (i have a bad habit of keeping him in the dark a lot.. power trip maybe). The bad part is that in order to be stronger, i needed to pull back and shore up walls. i feel like in many ways i reverted.

now that is not to say i haven't progressed or therapy succeeded... not at all, there are major differences. BUT.. there is a lot of the underlying stuff which has reverted to the secluded hidden mess it was before. We couldn't get to the deeper causes while i was still open and vulnerable... now i dont know that we can.

it's not like i dont want to... or that i feel like blocking him out.. i dont feel like this is something i am consciously doing.. dont feel like i am in control of this. When i used to think about past trauma i could connect with the pain, the feelings and thoughts... now it's back to being like a grocery list. It's a yeah yeah yeah pain trauma whatever thing. i think about things which i know hurt.. in here someplace it hurts... but it went away someplace, or i did.

the med issues have continued... affecting my moods and i have been struggling with hypomania off and on. That is a big thing.. the hypomania and lesser states sometimes have an artificial feel to them. i am certain i am not real people. Pain, hurt, eveyrthing.. it all rolls off me like water... very little sticks. Lose a friend? whatever... Risk of financial collapse? who cares... And of course.. this is along with the spending, impulsiveness, etc etc etc. It's better than depression, but still...

and as i have gained contol over certain things, i have lost all semblance of control elsewhere. i think about Pink's cutting... how it escalated as she got better in other ways. (and Pink, dear heart I Love you so) For me i wonder what my other issues are about now... let me put it this way, food is hard. No one expects that a person with weight to lose would have the food issues that i do. They dont understand that i had these problems before a tumor caused me to gain over 100lbs. Any idea what that does to the pschye of someone with ED issues? Tragic. Over 50lbs gone and i struggle to balance the need to get the rest off and terrible ED problems.

i'm ok... i mean i feel ok, which is part of the point.. i never feel anything but this semi-artificial ok-ness now. It does feel quite real.

i cant tell if i am stronger? detached? disconnected? good or bad?

i don't know that there is much point to going to therapy tomorrow...