Hi, everyone, glad to find this forum.

I am 54, and have done a lot of psychological work , counseling, etc., and am myself a counselor. Despite years of effort, certain problems in my life have continued, and I am beginning to think I have PTSD/Anxiety Disorder.

I have an extreme fear of displeasing the woman in my primary relationship. If I think it will upset her in any way, I will usually be unable to say anything, often spacing out and becoming passive, or unable to access knowledge of what I want, as opposed to what she wants. I wind up feeing trapped in stuations, and in the relationship itself, because I never feel I have a way out. I fantasize she will physically hurt me or kill me (no evidence at all that that is true).

History: From a young child on, I was harshly disciplined by my mother, I believe to the point where I feared for my life. It became all important to detect and do whatever would make her happy in order to stay alive. For much of my life, my actual wants and desires were suppressed, unavailable to me. Through high school, the normal rebellious years, I was passive, depressed, gentle, quiet.

Today, working with my passivity and depression, I have discovered a huge amount of rage at the violation of my desires and freedom, and am currently working to get the anger out. I'm also doing some cognitive behaviorism which helps.

But the extreme anxiety continues in my relationship, and has all but destroyed it. I can't tell what's real and what is not in the moment - if I sense she is the slightest bit annoyed, I panic, and usually bend over backwards to try to assure her I didn't really mean it (whatever upset her). It is a night mare. It is at the level of a phobia, and I tend to cut off communication rather than talk honestly about what is going on, because of my fear of her reaction.

Requests - I don't know how many professionals there on these forums, but I would like to find a professional, either online or in my area (northern Virginia) to diagnose this more accurately and help me make a plan of action to reduce the anxiety.

If anyone has *any* leads, I would appreciate it, both professionally, as well as information. I gladly read and study whatever I can get my hands on, and would love more information that correlates to my symptoms.

Many thanks.