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Dec 15, 2020, 07:10 PM
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Member Since: Dec 2020
Location: Los Angeles
Posts: 3
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BethRags
In a word: Yes.
I feel that there is God energy with me all the time. When I'm manic it seems, or it is, that God is inside of me and is directing my actions. By that I mean God and I are in agreement. We're in an equal exchange. I have a responsibility to do *whatever* it is that God wants me to do.
A big issue is that God, while separate from "bad" forces, can start a kind-of competition with bad, or even evil, forces. That's extremely frightening to me. I don't know what it means, whether it's real, or not. I suspect it's real, but then I also think those thoughts might tend to be in the realm of psychotic. Medication doesn't really stop those thoughts, though...or maybe I'm remembering them from a previous time, and meds don't stop the memory.
When I'm not manic, however...I feel that there is a Universal God, but that It's not so personal. I'm more on my own, more responsible for the actions I take because they are almost solely my decisions.
All in all, I am left feeling confused and depressed. The reason is because if I feel God the strongest when I am manic or somewhat psychotic, does that mean that God really exists for me? Because if It does, why is It most powerful when I'm unstable?
So, yeah. The entire thing becomes a hairball. And of course, I have no answers.
btw, I was raised in a Jewish family, but had strong influences of Hinduism, Catholicism, and later studied Buddhism, quite intensely. My husband, however, is Methodist. So lots of religious/spiritual input there.
I seldom (if ever) tell anyone about God, even when I'm manic, because I know they'll just say I'm psychotic. I might have mentioned it to my pdoc and therapist, because I do trust both of them. But certainly no one else.
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Thank you for sharing this, Beth. I also was raised Jewish, though not religious. Just got together with family for the holidays. To me, God is everything. The seen, the unseen, and everything in between. When manic, I feel removed from time. Everything is NOW. Every moment is holy. Then I stop eating and sleeping... and spirals downward. Balance is the answer, but I haven’t gotten there yet. xoxo
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