Aside from my obvious finantial and ins dilemma, there is the fact that I cannot meet T's aims of integration. I know that my aims have to match my t's aims for any good to happen. but i have yet to find any sort of therapy for DID/MPDs that seem effective. I am realizing that of the parts, the destructives are not going to give up hold without a struggle. and T is not ready for that struggle....she cannot help me in a crisis (all out battle of parts). And her work is undermining the system. She wants me to start trauma work, but the destructives will intervein. It's jst not a pretty picture. So, weiging my options, it perhaps is truly better to stop therapy. I mean, i could continue in "daily support" therapy, but t thinks that will only keep me where i am... so what's the use?
If i go her way, the destructives will take over and place me in inpat. care... and i will lose everything financially i have worked to gain; my independence, my car, my stability. the parts hold the stability in a precarious balance. I have not seen anyone struggling with this come forward yet and say 'yep - that's what i did any everything's better for it, no more parts (or everyone works together) and everything is soooo much better now and has been for years".
So really, perhaps the undoing of systems like mine is not the key. perhaps it is really time to set down this idea of therapy once and for all (or at least for a while) and go back to making it on my own as i was.