This is how she learned to maintain a sense of control Liz. And she doesn't feel any therapist can help or possibly understand her if she were to share all these grievances. She may even see a therapist as an authority type figure and she has too many disappointments when it comes to authority type figures in all those greivences she collected.

Often a person who has a lot of grievances and gets depressed pushes people away or avoids personal time with certain people not because they don't like that person, but instead don't want to spend time that includes someone in THEIR SPACE. So basically, it's their own company they don't want to hang out with in certain situations because they know it can get too taxing on them.

A choice to spend time with a neighbor means less work. It means a presence that doesn't know her enough to expect from her. It's also a situation where she can probably walk away should she get tired instead of having someone she has to deal with for more time as they cook or take over her home or space. This neighbor most likely invited her to their home, this was something much easier for her as it's not in her space and she can exit when she wants to. This is what she is saying when she cancels so much too. It's not YOU personally Liz, but more about what she struggles to manage. Often this isn't something a person is consciously aware of per say, but how anxiety builds up in them as it gets closer to the gathering date.

All these grievances are part of who she is now. She navigates her life now avoiding because she probably had her boundaries invaded in each of these grievances.

A while back you said something in a thread that really stood out to me. You said "It doesn't matter what people tell me about abuse etc. I would hear it but not act based on their advice because I prefer to DO IT MYSELF and MAKE UP MY OWN MIND." You had a problem you had dealt with for a long time, and you wanted to handle it yourself and you actually did make a plan of your own. You wanted to make changes that would give you power to make a choice. Your biggest disappointment was the problem got resolved for you and you were angry because it did not give you a chance to follow through with YOUR plan. That's a grievance you carry right? Well, you did not get to remove the problem the way you wanted, but you gained skills to thrive despite his absence which is what you wanted.

As a woman in her mid sixties, your friend most likely isn't going to change much. Yet, Liz, this isn't about you personally. She really isn't choosing this neighbor over you either, instead she is choosing something that is the easiest for her to handle. Her changing plans with you isn't so much about you either, instead it is what she can ultimately handle. She doesn't know how to explain that to you and maybe all she can do is what you have been doing with her where the two of you mostly talk on the phone.

What have you offered? Let me come to you and I will cook and do this or that right? In other words, let me take over YOUR SPACE. She doesn't want that Liz. Also, she doesn't want to see a therapist either because she doesn't want any therapist taking over her space either. This is not an attack on you personally, instead it's a general statement. Did you ever see a sign that says "My barn, My rules"? It's the same thing pretty much.

Your friend isn't going to respond well if you talk to her in any way that is "instructive or takes over". She will not respond well to any discussion where she feels she must give into demands of some kind. She tries to say "I like you and you are my friend" BUT, "I am not good at letting others take over my space anymore".

Now, all that I have just stated may not be exactly on target because I am not privy to all your experiences and conversations with this friend. All I know of her has been what you have shared. She has disappointed you before and I am thinking about possible reasons she does this that you may not be seeing because you feel angry or hurt. I already know you prefer to do things your way, yet, it helps to step back from one's own feelings and look at the bigger picture. Also, I am not telling you what is actually in this picture either, all I am doing is offering a possible that you may not be seeing or confirming something you sense but have not yet defined objectively because you are angry and disappointed.

When you question if you are being passive aggressive, it's a good time to step back and evaluate. Choosing to punish or withdraw may only hurt you more and that's not what you need to experience right now.