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Originally Posted by Alive99
Well those are very good questions. I didn't even know what to say at first, I had a blank mind but I also had a strong sense of ...uhm, yeah, something about maybe like an apology. It didn't feel like it's exactly like about an apology. But something like that somehow. And I'm coming back to this now. And yeah I think it's clearer now....maybe.... I don't necessarily need it handed to me from them but, it would sure help in some ideal world LOL
So what I'd like is if they told me what they really were doing. What they really wanted from me. Admit to their manipulations, and yeah, well that is the apology part Iguess. But I really just want that sense of closure mentally too and I'm not even sure they can give that to me if they are not self-aware enough and I doubt they are.
With the guy (romantic relationship one), I don't want anything from them otherwise.... The girl, I doubt I would want anything.... IDK I don't want to feel like it's a salvageable relationship.
Anyway. When I first read your post, and had that strong sense of "something like an apology". I actually started imagining this, I imagined that I contact them (even though otherwise that's out of the question), and I ask them what they can tell me, do they feel like apologising or like being more honest and open with me finally.... Like... yeah, I would ask them if they are finally able to hold themselves accountable. Because they never could before.
...
As for confrontation. Yes, essentially that too... in an actually effective way unlike back then. Damn, I remember now. What I imagined exactly. I imagined that I confront them and even if they try to attack me personally and in underhanded ways or dramatic ****** ways like back then, I would be able to not get affected whatsoever. I got terribly affected back then .... But oh, this confrontation here. I THINK I imagined it as actually effective. And it was so strange that I'd actually retry doing confrontation after years passed. And how it would surprise them too, lol. But that is where it "felt" kinda cathartic in the imagination (imagined catharsis, I did not feel it unfortunately)
I read somewhere that traumatic experiences need completion (a so-called "biological completion" perhaps). This felt like that completion, somehow. Where it's all released.
(So yeah, the connection that pulls me back, it's based in trauma too, not cool eh? Really complex)
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Abusers and toxic people will never show you or give you any accountability or remorse for their poor behavior and poor treatment of you. You may want to hold them accountable, and you have every right to want that from them, but they will never give it to you. Abusers and toxic people do not have the ability to reflect on their actions and hold themselves responsible for the harm they inflict on others. Abusers and toxic people even gain pleasure from inflicting harm on others.
What you can do is write yourself pretend letters, where you confront these people in the way that you wish you could, and write their response back to you in the way that you would like them to reply - ie, taking full ownership of their behavior, apologizing to you and whatnot.
Then re-read your letter several times to yourself whenever you want to reach out to them.
Usually, if you contact an abuser years later, it only just boosts their ego to know that they're still on your mind, and it gives them more power over you.
But if you really want to release these people from your psyche and mind, imagine scenarios where they give you what you need now from them, accept the reality that you will never receive from them what you truly seek, and then set it free in your mind through acceptance.
Acceptance of what happened and of their limitations is a great way to help you move forward.
Take the lessons learned with you, but leave the pain. Give yourself a big hug in knowing that you are a better person for having learned these lessons. We do not need to allow toxic or abusive people into our lives - nor should we. We have to protect ourselves from harm. These people caused you great harm, and it can last for years, as you've noticed. So, take the lessons, and release these people from your mind. You are a stronger person for the experience.
And like divine said, the best way forward is to live a happy life.