I think I am coming to a place of greater self acceptance, self forgiveness and self compassion.
This is with regards to having made the decision to marry him despite knowing it was abuse. I knew days before the wedding - and faced a decision then. Then I faced a decision again on the morning of our wedding when he blew up at me again. I consciously made the decision both times to move forward with our plans.
I had been kicking myself all this time for having done that. I know I've written already about this, but it's very important to my recovery... forgiving myself for marrying him when I already knew there was abuse, that he is abusive and that it was going to be rocky.
I now realize that I wasn't in a place mentally or emotionally to handle a breakup right then and there. I could not face or allow another failed engagement. I did not wish to face the social fallout and I did not want to ruin our vacation plans or lose 7K of my money that I had committed.
But I KNEW - I knew and I saw it then. So I have to forgive myself for making a decision that has caused me more harm in the end. I have endured a LOT from him all this time. He has caused SO much stress for me and upset.
It took a year and a half to get to this point of being able to break it off with him - out of sheer necessity. I was pushed to a breaking point last July, and now again, in Nov. His infidelity may be a blessing in disguise - had he not done that, it's very possible I could have allowed him to talk me into staying longer and giving him more of a chance. Now there's NO chance.
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"Twenty-five years and my life is still trying to get up that great big hill of hope for a destination"
~4 Non Blondes
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