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Originally Posted by Have Hope
Abusers and toxic people will never show you or give you any accountability or remorse for their poor behavior and poor treatment of you. You may want to hold them accountable, and you have every right to want that from them, but they will never give it to you. Abusers and toxic people do not have the ability to reflect on their actions and hold themselves responsible for the harm they inflict on others. Abusers and toxic people even gain pleasure from inflicting harm on others.
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That is all very true. Back then, before I cut them off, I did not know anything about this and so I did try to hold them accountable, which of course did not go well... They did instead attempt to hurt me as bad as they could. So that was on top of the rest that was already bad, yeah.
I think part of my issue is they affected me so deeply (for long, long years) and intensely, that I still am not entirely free from their gaslight or something like that. Like, I just realised today too that I was like, I focused on what the reality was (sad reality, abuse, and all that), and then I was soon like, DOUBTING all that and thinking COMPULSIVELY about giving them the benefit of the doubt and trying to see if maybe they did the best they could or something. Well in a sense they did, LOL. Just that it's not a lot of "best" that they could do, lol. ......
(EDIT: I want to add. When I say "they", I just mean the non-romantic one.... With the other one, I think I no longer doubt. I am clear on how he harmed me and how he didn't do things right with all the manipulation. I have not had doubts about him in quite a while. The old emotions are still there with him too though, regardless. That is what I find so strange. They just come up sometimes and they can come up really with their own force, ie. strongly in a sense....)
And yeah taking responsibility, I tried to see today how they (one of them specifically) didn't take responsibility. Like they constantly did not, not just here and there, but like, they constantly talked about how I was "the problem", and never a respite from that, never them saying anything sincere and responsible and self-aware like "I really am sorry, I should have done x / what would you like me to do to feel better?" Etc etc, that's just one example. It was shocking to me actually that I realised this today, that they never had this sensible, normal, nice attitude towards me when I tried to bring up what I had an issue with (no matter in what way or manner I brought it up). It is sad and shocking that I only realised this today. Maybe the lack of what should be there is what is hardest for me to notice.
Overall I don't know, I'd like to be able to stop doubting and to stop my attention from going to these people again. I don't really understand yet how to get to that place though.
It's all just crazy.
I can't even talk about it to family and I don't have any IRL friends now. But I hope my trying to talk about it all openly on this forum will help.
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What you can do is write yourself pretend letters, where you confront these people in the way that you wish you could, and write their response back to you in the way that you would like them to reply - ie, taking full ownership of their behavior, apologizing to you and whatnot.
Then re-read your letter several times to yourself whenever you want to reach out to them.
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I do sometimes write letters... they were usually angry stuff. I never tried to imagine their response but recently I did, in some imagination spontaneously coming up. That was kindof a first. It was nice but then later it felt too intrusive after a while, them pretending to be overly nice again (beyond normal).
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Usually, if you contact an abuser years later, it only just boosts their ego to know that they're still on your mind, and it gives them more power over you.
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That's what I usually tell myself.
Then I sometimes get into these other, different mindsets as above.....
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But if you really want to release these people from your psyche and mind, imagine scenarios where they give you what you need now from them, accept the reality that you will never receive from them what you truly seek, and then set it free in your mind through acceptance.
Acceptance of what happened and of their limitations is a great way to help you move forward.
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Yes, I am trying to do that acceptance. Not sure if I am missing anything about it. Maybe it just naturally takes this long? Or maybe longer because I didn't have a lot of people to talk to about it. I've tried to in therapy, I've tried repeatedly, but I don't think it was therapists with the right training or relevant experiences. Or something. That is why I am trying that trauma centre soon. I was also possibly not ready for a long time to talk about it emotionally anyway. I do feel more ready lately. The above is also my attempt to try and talk about the thoughts and emotions too.
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Take the lessons learned with you, but leave the pain. Give yourself a big hug in knowing that you are a better person for having learned these lessons. We do not need to allow toxic or abusive people into our lives - nor should we. We have to protect ourselves from harm. These people caused you great harm, and it can last for years, as you've noticed. So, take the lessons, and release these people from your mind. You are a stronger person for the experience.
And like divine said, the best way forward is to live a happy life.
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Thanks for the kind words. I'll try to think of it that way actually, what the benefits of all this were. Being stronger for it....etc....
Oh well and I want to find out how to leave the pain, lol. Maybe just patience though, yeah. And not pushing down the emotions too much.... I don't even know the right balance there, a balance that would work for me. Am trying to find out.