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Originally Posted by divine1966
I don’t know if he is a psychopath necessarily. Just not a good partner and not an honorable person.
You were vulnerable when you’ve met him. That’s a sure way to meet a user. I had a bad feeling about this man after you had just one date with him, it wasn’t going to end well and it didn’t.
Well I had a strange feeling on the first date with someone myself and yet I stayed for years. And left for exact same thing I had an uneasy feeling on the first date about! Amazing. Whatever seems off in the beginning will be off 10 years from then and will likely be the reason for it to end. But hindsight is always 20/20.
It doesn’t matter if he is psychopath or narcissist. Be done with him. Just make sure you do not go even on one date with anyone for significant amount of time. We all make this mistake being lonely hurt and vulnerable after a break up and immediately going for someone else and that’s when trouble comes, always.
Don’t worry about why he is how he is. Just think about what’s next.
To answer how you spot a psychopath, I think psychopath is pretty extreme case and you would see that.
But other than that I think it’s important to pay attention to what they do, not what they say. And it’s important to get to know them on a deep level before committing in any shape or form, not focusing on things they say or how they express their undying love (fake).
Pay attention to their character and where they are in life and things they do and how they proceed in a relationship. He was very shady and not very trustworthy from the day one. It is what it is. I’d say you got out of this mess fast. Good for you. Others stick around for life in this mess. Be proud of figuring it out fast
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Thanks, Divine.
I do want to understand narcissism and narcissistic abuse. It's very important to my recovery process. I have identified him as a narcissist - I need to learn what to look out for the next time. Identifying and LABELING the behavior and traits is critical to recovery - so this is a VERY important part of my journey. My father is narcissistic - I have now been with 6 abusive narcissists. Why would it therefore not be important to label and identify so that I can overcome my magnetic attraction to narcissists? What you say doesn't jive with me or make much sense to me in terms of my recovery and healing process. This is a necessary and critical part of my process - understanding narcissistic abuse and narcissists.
And yes, I agree that there were troublesome signs from him in the beginning. I don't remember our 1st date, but I remember he pushed his desires and needs on me very early on, without respecting MY needs and MY boundaries. I told him I needed to take things slowly - he completely ignored that boundary. On on of our 1st dates, he tried holding my hand, and I pulled away. I pulled away on a second or third date too - and he actually cried tears because I pulled away. He was pushing me. Yet, I still decided to date him, despite him crossing my boundaries.
And that's something I need to be acutely aware of. What my boundaries are, when someone is crossing them, and what that means if they do cross them. It means they don't respect me. And that's the time to walk away.
Now I know better to pay attention to actions vs. words. And now I know better to watch and observe someone's character in action. Now I know better NOT to rush in, and NOT to get swept up in a tide of good feelings and positive emotions simply because someone wants a lot of my attention and time and just because someone is giving me a lot of attention and time, in the beginning. That was another red flag I glossed over, yet noticed. I took note of all of these things, yet I still continued to date him - DESPITE the red flags.
Many lessons here for me - MANY. And yes, I will most certainly be waiting a long time before I date again. That's not even a consideration.