I am new here... and I am not sure how explicit one can be... so please, mods, edit this if necessary.
I have never been fully honest about myself... but I need to.. I am getting desperate..
I am a married woman, with 4 children. I am also gay... something which I have only really admitted to myself recently...
I find sex with my husband physically repulsive... but have always hidden this from him... and until about 6 months ago I had never experienced an orgasm. I was sexually abused for several years by a group of girls slightly older than myself... I was about 11 when that began.
6 months ago, I had a very sexual dream... of which I really don't remember the details.... and woke up experiencing orgasm for the first time. And that, somehow seemed to change me... I began to seek ways to experience that again... through masturbation, internet pornography, even encouraging my dog to do things that sexually stimulated me... and also indulging in exhibitionist behaviour, masturbating in public places, in lorry parks etc.
Looking back at that time makes me sick... I lost a couple of months of my life to compulsive behaviour.
Now I have things more under control.... but I am still looking for that pleasure... and I am afraid of where it will lead. I am looking at more and more hardcore pornography... at bondage and S&M sites... and fantasising about group sex..
I have twice contacted couples over the internet.. and backed out before meeting them
I hate myself... I feel dirty and evil.... but I don't know how to stop. And I am terrified that my husband will find out and I will lose my family... but at the same time, art of me wants that.
Last week I posted explicit pictures of myself on an internet site. I took them down the next day... but hundreds of people had seen them.

I want to get out of this before I go any further... but I don't know how..