I'm counting my blessings this holiday season. For the first time in many years I am not in a hospital during the holidays. I am a bit anxious about when my mood is going to shift, but so far things have been pretty even keel. I did all my shopping in November to make sure I had everything I wanted to get for my daughter and wrapped everything early as well and got it tucked away so I wouldn't be stressed out before Christmas Day.

There are so many things I'm worried about, but in the immediate moment I remind myself I am safe and am doing better than I have in a long time. I feel like crying a lot because I get so overwhelmed with emotion about the past, but I'm managing and sometimes I cry openly with my family or just tuck myself away for awhile and let it all out. I still have bad days but the good days outweigh them.

I live with my parents and that helps a lot too. I pay rent to them and help pay for groceries, but the fact that my mom is always here to talk to makes a big difference. My adult brother lives at home too. In the past I had really hurt my immediate family in my manic episodes by saying and doing some really terrible things, and it feels like we're moving into forgiveness. It's not perfect but it's a lot better than it has been. Moving into acceptance of my illness has also helped me greatly too, and as the new year approaches I'm looking forward to the future.