(((adairc)))

I empathize with your struggles here. I had experianced some of those same issues when I was younger.

I think part of this comes from supressing who you really are to your husband. There are some people out there whose makeup and life experiances will never allow them to have what could be defined as the conventional relationship. If you desire to express yourself in unconventional ways its not necessarily evil, unless your force yourself on an entity that cannot consent.

First for your sake and your husband's sake you need to end the sham, sit him down privately and have a long talk with him. Better to confess now than let this go on. Sooner or later you will get caught unexpectedly and that will be far more devestating.

Second seek counseling from someone who specializes in issues involving gender confusion and sexual deviance and talk this out with them. Such a therapist can help you get a footing on who you are and what would make you really happy in your life.

Third develop your spirituality, I am not going to tell you a specific belief or religion to take up, you have to decide that on your own. Carnel indulgence with a spirtual perspective can lead to a lot of emptiness.

I am not sure what other advice I can offer, I hope this helps.

I wish you luck, and I hope you find the satisfaction you desperately seek.

Take care

TJ