It's me again Who else!?!

You're right about me being better off with my ex husband but there are fleeting moments once in a blue moon when I wish none of it happened. We met / started dating when we were 19 and for the most of it it was a happy marriage. We had our ups and downs but we somehow or other got through it. Okay enough about my ex lol.

I suspect my daughter may possibly be undiagnosed, but I'm not 100% sure. I worry about my 2 year old son just because he's so young and it's impossible to tell now. My eldest son is a lot like my ex husband. I'm pretty sure he's okay. He's always been the more level headed one. My daughter is seeing another psychiatrist on Tuesday this coming week. No one wants to diagnose her. As far as I'm concerned, she needs to be on meds. I know personally in my own life how disastrous it is without meds. I had my first major depressive episode when I was pregnant with my daughter. Around 6 weeks after she was born it went away, so definitely prenatal depression. I had slight ups and downs after that, nothing major, nothing diagnosed until 2009 when I went hypo. Usually my hypo is a happy mood but I went a bit irritable and my GP made me see a pdoc. There was no questioning it in 2015 and no questioning it this time around. Although on 'good days' aka stable days I'd like to think I'm cured but I am just kidding myself. I think there's definitely a genetic component. I am sure my dad was undiagnosed. He just had the label 'alcoholic' whilst I was growing up which masked it. But he used to have raging mood swings. My paternal grandmother well lets just say she didn't live beyond 56 and made sure her life ended. Don't know how to insert the trigger icon.

So you have virtual appointments too. I used to see a psychologist when I got really bad ... around August. My GP recommended her. All her appointments were virtual. She was AMAZING. I can not underestimate her enough. She helped me so much when it was really tough. I spoke to her about so many things that I'd never spoken to anyone else about. Although at the time I don't even know if she knew just how psychotic I was. I didn't tell her certain things. Like God sending me special messages etc. I don't see her now because she's $120 a session and I just can't afford it. I used to see her once a week. It's just not the same not being able to see her I can understand your husband not attending a session with different work schedules. Perhaps there were times when I should have asked my partner to join me for a session. But to be honest I don't know how comfortable I would have been because some of the stuff was really personal. My partner doesn't even know about my past ... so he doesn't get what absolutely triggered me over the edge. And I wouldn't want to tell him. That was my biggest trigger. Figured it out with my psychologist. I was mandated to disclose the students because of duty of care yet I had never disclosed myself. And I was told by the principal I mustn't tell anyone it's a secret. Oh crap well that was me done.

At least your husband picked up on some clues after he had seen it in your mother. I'm not sure how many men would be that intuitive. My major fear is relapsing into an episode and no one picking up the early warning clues until I'm utterly psychotic and there's no going back. I don't say the deepest psychotic things on my mind which may be why I got away with it for so long. Or not throwing in a psych ward this time.

I can't remember how long I was on lithium for. Probably around 3 years. I haven't always been med compliant so there's a large gap where I wasn't taking any meds. Lithium made me feel incredibly flat. It's known as the gold standard but it just didn't cut sides for me. Unless I'm in an episode, lamotrigine has been my gold standard but you have to wean yourself up in doses in slow increments. It's supposed to be really good at preventing depression. I'm still wondering if I'm going to sink into deep depression. I really hope not!

I left the chocolates outside his door. We had a staff get together for year levels yesterday morning so he wasn't there. Then we had a staff briefing, so around 80 staff got together in a common area and he wasn't anywhere around me and I basically left as soon as that was done so no I made sure I didn't see him. I'm going to have to make a concerted effort to make eye contact from day 1 with him. Sigh. It's just such an issue for me. I know it sounds pathetic but it's a recurring thought in my head that he knows even though my psychologist kept repeatedly telling me I'm overcatastrophising and it doesn't mean he knows.

Omg sorry to hear about your sister. Gee and you guys got together. Here's hoping for a big fat negative for you and a speedy recovery for your sister. Zero cases yeah because absolutely everything except grocery stores completely shut down when we reached 80 cases a day. Could only go to the grocery store that's it. And slowly it subsided especially when Victorian borders shut. I really feel for you guys. My mother always tells me what's happening in Florida. It's awful. I chat every now and again in the chatroom here on psych central where most members are american so I hear about it quite a bit in the chatroom too. It's really devastating. My sister is a midwife in Jacksonville and she got her vaccine yesterday.

From experience, don't listen to your friend in California lol. Even if he doesn't think you have bipolar, always go with the experts. By the way I've had some crappy psychiatrists and some really good ones too. If your psychiatrist isn't willing to listen to your meds and their reactions just be careful. My psychiatrist that kept me on a med even though I had bugger all improvement, I partially blame him for my psychotic breakthrough in 2015. He just wasn't paying enough attention to my symptoms. I'm highly suspecting when I see my psychiatrist 13 January I'm going to get a mouthful for dropping the antipsychotics. But I'm still on a mood stabiliser.

Nice that you're a photographer that's awesome! I've thought about doing photographic courses in the past but now that my son is older I'm like meh. Too late. I know you still don't feel normal and wonder if you ever will but these are mood swings, and we do live periods of stability, we really do. It's because of what's happening in your relationship that's making you feel so crap.

Yes. I was born and bred in 78! Actually I was born nearly 3 months prem so although I was born in April I was due June/July.

I like horrors. I know I'm strange. I can't even remember half the shows I've watched on Netflix. Yummy mummies was great if you like a laugh. Another good one was Canadian mothers who all had young kids but damn if I can remember the name. I also enjoyed Beverely Hills Housewives. Oh my staple Christmas movie has got to be National Lampoons Christmas vacation. It's a staple every Christmas Eve in my household! Chevy Chase cracks me up.

First day of the holidays but you know as strange as it sounds I'm nervous that the time off won't serve me well. When I have time on my hands and I'm not busy it leaves me too much time to think about what's happened this year. And my relationship isn't the best with my partner at the moment we're constantly having a go at each other so being in the same house could be a recipe for disaster. He's having a difficult time at work so he's not in the best of moods. He has a manager who is constantly on his back and he's desperately trying to find a new job but hasn't been successful with applications / interviews. They keep getting him to do psychometric tests and he sucks at those. We actually managed to go into the city today just to take my son for a stroll in his pram and managed to not argue. It's a damn miracle. We live in the suburbs. I'm not a city girl. My school is actually in the country. Takes me an hour to get there and an hour to get back. I've been at the same school for 4 years and it worries me so much as to how I'm going to leave. What on earth would they say on my reference?! Teaches well with a slight touch of madness!

A huge contributing factor is also your sleep. Is there nothing your psychiatrist can give you at night to help? I mean I know how crabby I can be after just one night of unsettled sleep. I actually slept way too long last night. 12 hours. That's very abnormal. Some days I feel I can barely get out of bed even though I really want to. My mind is awake my body just isn't.

Hopefully you'll wake up in the morning feeling slightly more refreshed. Have you tried mindful meditation. A lot of YouTube videos to relax and listen to.

Take it easy.