I posted a couple days ago but asked it to be removed cause I did to many personal details and was afraid my T might browse threads and see what is happening in me and I don't want that either.

I am struggling so so hard right now. I have tried extra meds to sleep for last couple days but not my head and body hurt so bad I don't want to take more. Yes, it's bad enough that I went to the place we don't talk about when someone called and I was able to stop it yesterday. I just feel like I lost the only person I ever felt cared about me and he said that it would never happen but it is my fault that it has and I feel like I am continually dying inside every second and can't stop it.

On his defense, he had surgery last week and is in recovery for several weeks but he said that he would be sending texts to help me get through the time because he cared about me and didn't want me to have to deal with the entire time alone. We have both already learned I have a horrible ptsd trigger when things change and every ounce of me knows that anything safe and good is being lost. A few days into the recovery he sent a text and I was SOOOOO excited. My phone couldn't open fast enough to read it but then the text said hi and he would be texting when and if he had a chance. I knew immediately that meant that what he said was going to happen changed and I see now that I panicked and went down deep and texted panicking back and then added more meds to stop the pain and I think I texted a couple of times, I don't even remember. Now yesterday I think he sent a text saying he is taking the recovery time for himself and won't be contacting at all now until he goes back to work.

I know this is reasonable for a therapist but to me it changes everything including the fact that he said before that he cared and understood how hard it would be for me with my past and that's why he set up the plan but now everything tells me he doesn't really care so it meant nothing to him to just take it all away for weeks knowing I am completely alone and terrified in my life. He was the only human contact I really had with anyone and I am struggling so hard and am not handling the seconds right now. I want more meds to sleep and forget more but my head and body hurt so bad from laying in the bed and the meds aren't helping the sleep stay so well now.

I didn't know what else to do except try to come back here where people might understand.