I posted more details in the therapist group but some things I didn't say there because I don't think most people would understand but I think you guys would.

My T had to have surgery and will be gone for weeks. I have no close people in my life and the few I just know do NOT know me. The only person that knows me is my T, been with him over 5 yrs now but we just started talking about the DID a few years ago. I am still confused by a lot but I understand more now why I have always felt these things that seemed so different then the rest of the world especially what was always so humiliating in extreme pushes of infantile like desires and behaviors. He has told me that he has spoken with a very young child and over time I have noticed that when his and my relationship is good that deep inside (which I am understanding may be bleeding through of feelings or something like that), but I start to have a safe and better feeling for a while and when the relationship is having trouble, that panic and pain is horrible. I say all of this because my rational brain right now is trying to tell what is a chaotic terrified storm in my to calm down he will be back. T was going to text while he was home recovery to help me get through but then the other day he sent a text that he was only going to text if he gets a chance which triggered this panic of change that proves to me in every way that he didn't really care and even though he knows how bad I am struggling it didin't matter. I made it worse by sending panicked texts and then yesterday he took it all away and said he will talk to me when he returns to work. I feel like someone is stabbing me contanstantly with the worst pain knives in the world, and that emberassing child feeling inside is in so much pain and I feel completely abondoned and like I can never go back with him again when he comes back because he just showed me that it wasn't true that he really cared and now that he knew the real me and saw how bad I was he said he didn't care enough to help. I feel like I have lost the only person that understood me and helped me feel better for the only times in my life. I have prayed so much, I have called prayer lines for prayer and anonymous prayer groups online and I don't know what to do with this pain. It is torturing me and I want out so bad and if I can get my thoughts to tell me he will be returning, it feels like there a 50 people inside me screaming and crying that no never he abandoned us and it is over. It feels like there are so many people that I am trying to calm down and if feel like I get close to calming the pain someone else just starts screaming and crying louder. I know it sounds crazy but I can't even think well enough to describe it but I am in bad shape and the only person that has ever helped is the one that left me to deal with it alone. somebody please understand and tell me how I can stop this pain