I did figure out more today too. They both eventually did the final nail in the coffin by attacking my feelings about them actually. My honestly feeling and caring about the relationship/them. So it made me feel very unloved - as a subconscious message.



And I viewed these people as more special to me than others. I was not focused on relationships before. And then they made me feel more involved emotionally. However, they had their own selfish goals with the relationship with me. The guy just wanted to use me emotionally and the girl wanted to use me to get money from me. It just makes it extra sad that I started to open up to such people. (I did not fully open up but it was still more than I should have.) So, they definitely made me feel more unloved than I ever did before. That was a big hit and it's part of why it's so slow for me to recover from this.

Also. They actually were very enmeshed with me on a level but that is not a compliment because 1) enmeshment isn't healthy 2) they were users, not actually caring about me. When I decided not to have the relationships on their own terms only, is when things went truly ****. But they were using me before that too. And I'm not a person who you can easily take advantage of.

And the guy additionally used spiritual teachings to justify his ****. That made it extra bad. Yes, I'm not joking, he actually did that to justify ****. And don't ask me why I didn't get more upset about that originally. I did but not enough apparently. The absurdity and horribleness of it only just hit me fully today.

Yes all these are very negative feelings.... But I just feel I need to face it all and feel truly that it's a mess that I can't even in my wildest dream think of "fixing". Move on fully!!!! Yeah.


If anyone is familiar with the bolded, please let me know. It would be great to be able to talk about it more.


PS: I felt I could write about all this in a more emotional language earlier but by the time I got here to post, I couldn't really anymore. But that's OK

PS2: And writing out all this I can think of positives again. Like the way I opened up to her, it's OK, I can still find other special ways to open up to others in a better relationship.