This post is about past SI, current anxiety, and food/self image issues.

I am 27 and to start my new position at my current employer a week from tomorrow. This is a huge thing; I have been a temp at this place for TWO YEARS. And starting 5/12, I am a bonified employee, with health insurance and vacation time! However, I am having horrible thoughts of self doubt and failing at my new position. The anxiety is overwhelming even with Xanax. I also have scar issues due to SI. The scars are on both arms and visible. I went to a plastic surgeon about the scars and was told there is nothing that they could do at this point, due to the age of the scars. What are you supposed to do about this? Summer is here, and it will get hot. I am going to have to always wear something to cover my arms because I do not want my co-workers and new boss to see the scars. If they see them, they will automatically judge me, and I feel that it could affect my future and pay within the organization. I am so angry with myself that I did this to myself. I don’t SI anymore, I have healthier ways of dealing now, however, the scars remain. When things get really bad, instead of SI, I look to my past ED. Binge/purge. Exercise. And the constant voice in my head telling me how fat and ugly I am. I know that doing those things isn’t right either. I am waiting for my insurance to kick in so I can resume DBT, My psychiatrist highly recommends following through on the DBT. And I want to finish it.

It boils down to this….my anxiety is causing physical symptoms (chest pain, feeling like I can’t breath.) I have been on Klonopin, Ativan, Librium and Xanax. Currently taking Xanax at 1 mg twice daily as needed. This is not doing anything for me anymore. I have heard good things about Valium, why has my doc not tried this benzo? I know it’s a well known addictive substance, but aren’t they all?

If anyone, anyone can offer advice, please please help me.