S, here it is. I am drinking more these days. A lot more. And after several drinks is when the texting starts on my part. I let him have it, after several days of silence. And it's getting me nowhere except to let out my anger and blow off steam.

Now he's saying that no other woman has told him he treats women poorly - BS. I once again told him he is abusive and an abuser, and he goes into denial, and says things like "and you are perfect?" It only just angers me more.

When I point out his "insane anger and rage" he turns it around on me and says I am behaving with insane anger and rage.

Then he points out that I am drinking more. And he says things like "who calls the police?" And you were inebriated - he recorded it. He has a comeback for everything I say, and it's all DEFLECTION.

It's a vicious cycle.

I wish I could tape my hands together whenever I feel like texting him after a few drinks. And now I am abusing alcohol in order to cope.

Some days I feel I am coping better than on other days. And the fact of the matter is I am in withdrawal from our relationship. I text him when it's been several days of silence. It's almost like I want that connection, even if it's a negative interaction and even if it's to give him more hell, which he deserves.

And I just LOVE how he admitted to all the abuse in July - and now he's backtracking. He's totally backtracking and is in denial of it all, which is infuriating to me.

I know that trying to get an abuser to own up is like trying to get blood from a rock. I KNOW THIS already, but I keep trying to get him to own up, regardless. It's a wasted effort. I must see this. What's the freaking point?

I did tell him that he hasn't lived up to what I expected in a husband or a marriage - and for that, I am glad.