Therapist wasn't bothered at all, just said that it's good to try to trigger the emotions in private to try to build up tolerance so I don't get triggered as much in public.

I only have one session every 3 weeks or so, and by the next session, he doesn't seem to remember what we talked about last session - and it seems like we just kind of scrape at the surface. I'm learning to tolerate things so I don't have so much reaction.

I feel frustrated - like - I don't want to learn to tolerate my current level of depression, I want to fix it. I don't want to learn to tolerate the idea that I'm unloveable, I want to stop thinking I'm unloveable. Sometimes I think I am just a human-shaped skin-covered wound, like there's nothing to me BUT stuff that's broken, stuff that's trying to heal, stuff that's infected, etc.

And therapy feels very very much like a band-aid to me. I think I need surgery, and they give me a bandaid. LOL

I'm sure part of it is that I have a really hard time relating to other people - and with a therapist, it's more of the same. I have a constant back-of-my-mind flutter between 'is this person a threat? Ack, personal questions. Don't say that, they'll use it against you in the future. Be careful. But you have to share, it's their job to listen. But they're not your friend, they don't care about you. But they have to listen, it's their job. But they don't have to care, and they might not even be right about anything they're saying. Every therapist says something different. Why should this one be better. OK so I answered the question.. Why are they looking at me funny? They think I'm weird. They don't believe me.' etc etc.

I spend so much time trying to explain myself and qualify what I'm saying so they don't seem to think I'm weird, or because I don't think they understand what I'm saying, that there's really no time for anything else.