Quote:
Originally Posted by Have Hope
Thanks, @ TishaBuv. I want to file for an uncontested no fault divorce since it's the quickest and cheapest way. In a contested fault divorce, then the abuse would matter.
He claims he is willing to go to therapy to make this work. He would have to acknowledge his abuse and problems in order for therapy to even work.
But it's a moot point. He replied and still will not acknowledge it. He waters it all down to "verbal disagreements". BS. |
Ahhh I'm reading this too now. Yah nooo, that therapy thing is just hoovering. Don't fall for it. I agree with the other posts that it's pointless to discuss with him anymore about anything, sadly.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Have Hope
His begging is making this harder. Much harder. Ugh. It's tugging on my heart strings... him saying he wants to "come home". I feel like I'm living in a movie. Except it's MY movie. So basically I've kicked him out of our home. I know he's regretful of his actions, but there is so much more. I could never trust him again. And he's abusive. How could I possibly continue in this relationship with him? Even if he were willing to get help, it's not going to change him. He needs like TEN years of individual therapy - PLUS, he's a narcissist, and he won't even know this OR realize this about himself. There's no point.
And yes, I suppose for a minute I've wondered if I'm doing the right thing. It's not easy when he begs and pleads with me, telling me how "profoundly" miserable he is without me.
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Nice crocodile tears of his. I understand now why you considered psychopathy for him in another post of yours. Bc of the emotional manipulation right? But it doesn't matter what he has, narcissism or worse, narcissism is already bad enough lol : /
What I wanted to say is that the advice you gave me about keeping my own sense of perception/reality vs the abuser's is very good and I think it includes not talking and taking in any more words or other info from the abuser again. (It will take time to sort out the already existing mess mentally and emotionally anyway so it would just be adding to the healing work in future)
So when I said go cold and unaffected in your behaviour with him (NO anger), yeah it actually includes this, that you only discuss the details of the divorce, or not even that. Your lawyer can discuss with his lawyer, job done
You don't even have to talk to him outside the courtroom *anymore*.
Because things like maybe he'll go to therapy, crocodile tears, everything, all that hoovering makes the cognitive dissonance worse obviously and creates too much empathy for him, but you know that anyway. And then that's why you start thinking about his ex wife etc etc and it's all just a dead-end because of the above.
With my abuser, I didn't let him do the hoovering actually, I burnt all bridges, I made sure of that, I (back then) felt that it would be so bad if I let him try and placate me, then I (in retrospect) felt he had it in him doing that so that he can attempt to keep me under his control and manipulations. Because I was angry at him before yet he let me be that and pretended to be nice again and so on but it was all just to weave his web further.
So yeah please don't even consider any more of his hoovering. Hope this helps with more people telling you
EDIT: Ahhh and yeah THAT niceness is what makes it extra hard to let go. It is so strange how that works.