My Support Forums - View Single Post - Need support through leaving my abusive husband, please

Have Hope · Dec 20, 2020 at 03:31 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Alive99

Ahhh I'm reading this too now. Yah nooo, that therapy thing is just hoovering. Don't fall for it. I agree with the other posts that it's pointless to discuss with him anymore about anything, sadly.

Nice crocodile tears of his. I understand now why you considered psychopathy for him in another post of yours. Bc of the emotional manipulation right? But it doesn't matter what he has, narcissism or worse, narcissism is already bad enough lol : /

What I wanted to say is that the advice you gave me about keeping my own sense of perception/reality vs the abuser's is very good and I think it includes not talking and taking in any more words or other info from the abuser again. (It will take time to sort out the already existing mess mentally and emotionally anyway so it would just be adding to the healing work in future)

So when I said go cold and unaffected in your behaviour with him (NO anger), yeah it actually includes this, that you only discuss the details of the divorce, or not even that. Your lawyer can discuss with his lawyer, job done

You don't even have to talk to him outside the courtroom *anymore*.

Because things like maybe he'll go to therapy, crocodile tears, everything, all that hoovering makes the cognitive dissonance worse obviously and creates too much empathy for him, but you know that anyway. And then that's why you start thinking about his ex wife etc etc and it's all just a dead-end because of the above.

With my abuser, I didn't let him do the hoovering actually, I burnt all bridges, I made sure of that, I (back then) felt that it would be so bad if I let him try and placate me, then I (in retrospect) felt he had it in him doing that so that he can attempt to keep me under his control and manipulations. Because I was angry at him before yet he let me be that and pretended to be nice again and so on but it was all just to weave his web further.

So yeah please don't even consider any more of his hoovering. Hope this helps with more people telling you

EDIT: Ahhh and yeah THAT niceness is what makes it extra hard to let go. It is so strange how that works.

Thanks @Alive99!

For the 1st month after discovering his infidelity (after promising. me he would NEVER EVER cheat on me) is when I lost it on him and gave him all my rage and anger. So I got it all out... and on him.

And yes, his idea of therapy is just lip service to keep me hooked and is hoovering. He has no intention of owning up to the abuse, and he's proven that to me through our conversations over the last month.

I think I've gotten it all out now. Now I just need to get a lawyer and get the divorce underway.

He still thinks I love him for some reason - he probably falsely believes this because I've been contacting him to let out my rage again and again. I do not love him anymore - far from it. I despise him.

But yeah, listening only to your own reasoning and logic and not listening to the abuser's skewed version of reality is best and helps to keep you sane and grounded.

It's great that you were able to quickly burn that bridge with your abuser. It's harder to in a marriage, when you've been living together, when your lives have been SO intertwined, and when one person is moving out. When you're married to an abuser, it's a whole different ball of wax and is more complicated to exit.

I wish I had been stronger than I have been about letting out all my rage. But I could not help myself. I think I am done - I hope I am done.