What I see here is a person that was sexually abused as a child, therefore, you are extremely damaged inside from the trauma and what you have done now is to bond with your abuse as a means to try to heal from it - this is called Trauma Bonding - bonding to that which damaged you in the first place... down to the very act of liking females as they are the ones that abused you.

And I see you seeking more sexual pleasure as a means to try to deal with the sadness / unhappiness you feel inside...... you are trading your inner pain for the sexual pleasure you get from acting out in sexual ways... and going as far to step into the tabu of it all if it means you are satisfied, therefore, finally happy inside.

Did you know that we received a flood of happy hormones into our body when we have an orgasm..... self made or partner made.

Please know that you are not sick - you are just trying to survive in the best possible way you can right now...... ((( hugs ))).