I don't spend a lot of time thinking about how much normal stuff I've missed out on in my life. What would be the point? No use feeling sad over what can't be changed. I'm realizing now that I'm also going to miss out on other normal things in the future, and even though that hasn't happened yet, I'm just as helpless to change that outcome as I am to change the past. I'm not normal. I don't mean that I'm not normal in that I'm unique or special. Perhaps I mean that I'm sub-normal, because I definitely don't mean anything positive. I'm not exactly trying to talk **** about myself either, just being a realist about my capabilities.

You would tell me that I'm being negative, but sometimes I feel like you see the world through rose-tinted glasses and think if you can make me believe something, that must mean it is probable or even possible. My perspective that pigs and cows are land mammals doesn't really shift just because someone says "well maybe pigs will fly and the cow will jump over the moon." To you, my stubborn perspective on the limitations of these farm animals is "too negative." I'm being slightly hyperbolic, but only slightly.

Anyway, this isn't a post about our differences in perspective. I was just lying here before bed feeling quite down about what I have to look forward to in life. I am specifically talking about relationships. I find people utterly exhausting and emotionally draining, yet I also can't seem to do without them (or, perhaps, the threat of them). As we have seen, I cease to care for myself on an even basic level when left to my own devices.

I'm too emotionally overwhelmed to go into the rest of what I'm thinking and dreading right now. Really wish I could rid myself of all of this anxiety. Probably won't even bring it up, tbh. Not sure why. Maybe because it's just too depressing and I'm avoidant.