I have two cousins who are the sons of my dad’s older sister, who have become increasingly more political in the last 10 years or so, but the older of the two is so extreme he is recriminatory toward everybody else who doesn’t share his convictions. At the time of the election, he spontaneously engaged his immediate family in a group text about who everybody was voting for, and when his mother didn’t respond to protect her online space, he started hollering and swearing at his mother during her next visit to see him simply because they hold different views, and that his text was left unanswered. Several weeks passed before this cousin could even be civil enough to speak with his mother. Eventually the older son and my aunt resolved this political tension by setting boundaries and understanding my cousin’s fear over his healthcare. They also agreed not to give gifts to extended family members this year like me and my parents because of the pandemic and they aren’t in the best position anyway to give gifts. In addition my dad’s side of the family is agreeing that seeing my cousins and their families this year is out of the question because of COVID and other plans that have been made. Thank goodness, because I’ve been fearing that since my parents and I hold different views from my cousins, that we would become victims of hateful political rhetoric ourselves. My aunt, who’s one of my closer family members, kept tabs with me over her status and convinced me that even with this outburst that my cousin is a good person, but I’m just not entirely convinced anymore. People know me as a tolerant and wickedly patient person, but this is the literal “straw that broke the camels back” incident over 10 years or so of withering away at my trust in these cousins of mine.

My 2 cousins refused to see my grandfather in his final days because they didn’t want to see him in his deteriorated state, so it was like they were absent during that difficult time in the life of my father and his two sisters. When the same older cousin’s daughter got christened but my family had plans and obligations for my birthday several years later, both the cousin and his wife held grudges against us which I’m not even sure they ever let go. Then when this most recent quandary erupted, I was already on edge with the younger cousin from that same family because of his history of making inflammatory political posts on Instagram.

Some of the most thoughtful birthday and Christmas gifts I’ve received in recent years have been from these cousins, and they seem interested in hearing from me. But at the same time, over the span of about 10 years, they never seem to initiate contact with me and my folks outside visits to my dads side of the family at Christmas, and sometimes I’ve not been able to see my cousins for the holidays. So the seemingly friendly talk that my cousins have given to me like they would be my buddies who could help fill the void after losing both my uncle and grandfather at a young age is all just a bunch of hooey. With a lot of their actions not matching their words, I feel like I’ve been lied to all along about their so called familial love for me.

Even though a lot of my previous pain has been relieved because of not needing to see my cousins this year, my dad presented me with the option to still see his family members at Christmas time, which I am hard pressed to do because they haven’t been COVID-smart at all, and I don’t want to add another exposure to my mother and only living grandparent. Plus I’m still worried about getting into further drama with everything that’s transpired. And since my aunt is close with these cousins and their families, she will probably talk about them and try to encourage me to still see and talk to them on a regular basis. When in reality, I haven’t been close to them in recent years and don’t know if they even still love me like my aunt claims they do.

I’m feeling lonely with this pain in my heart. When I’ve talked to my parents about the fear that I have against being around my rather narrow minded cousins on the heels of election, my parents didn’t get into a screaming match with me, but they still were critical with my feelings and my desire to protect my space from dissection and critiques of my political views. So my parents are just as bad as my cousins. So great. Now I have no one to talk to.

What do you guys think? Can anybody help me with ways to not continue to live in fear and resentment within my own family?