Dear DazedandConfused254,

Sorry you are in this unhappy situation. Having just lost a friend because of political differences, I can definitely identify with you.

Because of things similar to what you mention, I quit going to all family gatherings. A long time ago, I was hospitalized for depression. A psychiatrist told me that if I didn't want to end up in the hospital again, I would need to prioritize my mental health even if it meant eliminating or minimizing interaction with family members.

In a military conflict, a general will use any strategy and tactics that he thinks will help him achieve the military objective: battle, strategic retreat, deception, surprise and almost anything else. He will not feel bad about doing these things. feel the same about preserving one's mental health.

To protect my mental health I have often have to say "no" to people, set boundaries, tell white lies and so on. If someone particularly toxic invites me to attend an event, I would not hesitate to say I am sick even if I am not, to avoid that contact.

There is an saying that goes: "no can can push your buttons as well as those people who installed them." That can cover almost all relatives. If I am literally stuck being with certain people, I will get up and leave if I don't like the way the conversation is going.

A psychologist taught me a technique for dealing with toxic conversation. If one pretends to agree with someone who one doesn't agree with, one ends up feeling badly. If one disagrees openly, bitter arguments often develop.

The technique I was taught was to respond to a toxic speaker with the one word: "what." This is something toxic people don't really expect and don't know how to handle. If the toxic speaking goes on I will just keep saying "what?" I find this very effective. Sometimes one cannot win a battle but has to settle for small victories or even strategic or tactical retreats.

I think one way to overcome fear is to aim, not for perfection but for little achievements and progress. I had a particularly nasty relative who used to call me late at night. Instead of just not answering the phone which was a step I was not ready for, I let it ring ten times. Just a little victory. A psychologist told me that I should not even shy away from little pass-aggressive actions if they helped me keep from falling into a depression. Things like this have helped me a lot.

Silence is sometimes a good tactic. Someone let's say, says: "This political candidate is evil and a jerk and anyone who disagrees is a moron." Sometimes the best response is no response. Just look at the person but don't say anything. Suppose they then say: "Don't you agree?" Just look at them and don't answer. Suppose they then say: "What's wrong with you, are you deaf?" Just look at them and don't answer. Many very aggressive and opinioned people have become expert at debate. They know the "chess moves" for agreement and disagreement. But often they are not so good at silence or unexpected reactions. If they can't get you to put wood on their fire, their fire often just fizzles out. Sometimes such people actually look for a fight. They live for the fight.

Sometimes one can just throw a monkey wrench in the works, so to speak. Once when forced to deal with a particularly unpleasant speaker, I suddenly looked out the window and exclaimed: "is that a UFO?" I can't tell you how effective that was at stopping the conversation.

Once I was at a social gathering where someone was attacking a certain religion. I got up from my seat, walking to the door, opened it and went for a 30 minute walk.

There are lots of psychological techniques for disagreeing with someone: agreeing in part, agreeing in principle, fogging and so on. Often, I find the best course of action is avoid the situation altogether if one knows there is going to be fireworks, so to speak.

One can say things to a toxic speaker that appear as agreement with their view but in fact is not. If someone says: "I think this political candidate is dishonest" and let's say I disagree with that, I can say: "I see your point." To the other person that seems like agreement but actually isn't. "I see your point" just means that you understand the words the person has said, the meaning of the words.

There are books written on this subject if one is interested. I think some people call it verbal judo or something like that. For me personally, the drama of certain social situations is not worth what it does to my mental health so I just avoid them. But that's me.

Please do NOT think I am offering any of this as advice to you. We are all different and I am not qualified to give advice that you or anyone could or should rely upon. I do hope you find solutions and relief from your distress. Hopefully others here will have better words for you than my poor words.
Distress like you describe is something very vivid to me.

Sincerely yours, Yao Wen