Actually, as a person who also struggles with ptsd and is sensitive as you are, I understand what you are saying when you talk about not blaming the victim. What I said was not "consciously" realizing what you are holding onto.
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Originally Posted by Open Eyes View Post
People often tell you who they are by what they say or share about themselves. My suggestion is BELIEVE them and don't think you can change them either. I think if you revisit what you experienced with these two individuals, you will see that they never really saw you but used you. Some people simply are not worth handing our heart to.
Well, actually responding to your first post made me think & realise that a BIG part with it taking so much time to heal and move on is that I still have had to undo all the subtle blame put on me. Actually that is something I am actively working on lately. Because, all the blame and gaslight, it ended up in me not even seeing that it all wasn't even my fault. And that's very dangerous to psychological and emotional health and makes moving on impossible. So yes it has to be fully recognised and through recognising this I can then fully take in that they really just tried to exploit me and it was not ME. None of it was me. So yeah, your last sentence. Definitely.
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When I say what part of this experience did you play, it's not about blaming you at all. Instead it's about how you got pulled into something that was unhealthy for you. We tend to hang onto things that ended up hurting us because there is something about the experience we still need to see for self preservation. Our emotions contribute to our self preservation more than we consciously realize.
I believe that you made an effort to be a "good" friend to both these individuals. Because of that you invested more into these two people than they deserved or had the ability to respect and appreciate. You ended up getting hurt and as soon as you set up your own emotional boundaries you got abandoned in some way.
I am sure both of these individuals had something about them that you liked. They also most likely responded positively to your effort to care about their needs too. They rewarded you and you thought they cared when they did that. THAT is the part you miss, that feeling that someone was appreciating your effort to care. We ALL like to be appreciated, it helps us feel positive about ourselves right? We can be so willing to engage that way that we don't see how our effort is not as valued as we think it is.
Now, you have said here that you can't change another person and the only one you can change is yourself right? Well, it's ok to continue to be a "nice/caring" person and to even feel good about helping others too. However, what you need to learn is how to recognize the signs that your efforts are not being respected and appreciated the way you really want, a way that is actually healthy for you.
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How did you cut emotional ties?
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By understanding how others may not really appreciate what you give them of yourself. What you miss is that period where you thought they did. It's important to understand how some individuals can be very charming and how they can pull you into their drama where you don't realize it's really ALL ABOUT THEM. You most likely miss the love bombing you got, the idea that you had value, yet, as soon as you had emotional boundaries of your own, what happened? That is not a relationship that you should ever re-engage. Instead it's more important to see it for what it really was so you don't fall into engaging in that kind of relationship again. Yes, sometimes we hand our heart to the wrong person and that's what you need to see in this experience that keeps nagging at you emotionally.