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SlumberKitty · Dec 23, 2020, 03:11 PM

Possible trigger:

Pastor T got Covid. His case is right now mild, but recently I've seen too many people die from the disease to feel comfortable about his case being mild. He's 65-ish so there's the age thing but he is in pretty good shape physically, better than me, and bikes and walks a lot so I would say he is pretty healthy overall. I don't know if he has any underlying conditions but still.....it's a little too close for comfort. Then my Dad started not feeling well yesterday. In my Dad's case, I am pretty sure it is a sinus infection as he is prone to those and his symptoms were a headache and a teensy sore throat. No fever. We checked. I did advise him to call the doctor today anyway because if it turns out to be Covid or something that needs attention, it's almost the holidays and then it will be the weekend. While I am pretty sure my Dad's case is not Covid, I'm still worried that it *could* be.

Other than that, I just woke up today with the blues. I had been doing okay with the holiday but like usual, it has turned around to bite me. I had yesterday off of work and I'm kind of kicking myself for not taking today off of work too. I did take tomorrow off of work. I'm hoping that not having any pressure and not having anything I have to do might help re-stabilize me. I'm working today and sometimes routine helps but today it is not helping.

The depression is triggering me so I wrapped my arm up in an ace bandage which kind of helps to take the pressure off. I didn't need to wrap my arm, it's not hurt, just that the act of wrapping it is soothing and seems to help. My T thought this was a good coping skill and to utilize it whenever I need. I feel like it holds my arm together, and holds the bones in place which T says is a delusion, but I don't care as long as it helps.

I always get depressed at the holiday. My sister and family are not coming because of Covid. It's just not safe for them to come. My sister is disappointed. The children probably are too. No one in my family is disappointed that my brother-in-law isn't coming. We all don't get along. I talked to my sister yesterday but I had to force the conversation so we didn't talk as long as usual. Usually she is chatty Cathy but yesterday she was being pretty quiet so I was the one dragging the conversation. Eventually I just gave up. I don't know if she is holding a grudge because my parents said she couldn't come but that's no reason to be sulky on the phone. It is the first Christmas that we won't be spending time with my sister. That feels weird.

Possible trigger:

Pastor's wife said to write a letter to God telling Him thank you and about how I am able to be so much More because of Him. She said this in response to my depression. She said to wrap it up and put it under the tree. It's an idea.

Up until today I was in a more grateful sort of mood. Now I'm just in a big black hole that I have been pushed down. I don't really want to reach out to T because she said she would be spending time with her son and grandkids, Covid or no Covid. So I don't really want to disturb her. My coworker said, it sounds like you anticipated feeling depressed because you always get depressed at the holidays so mind over matter you got depressed. Well that sucks. Not so much that she said it, but if it is indeed true and I am suffering for nothing.

Had an appointment yesterday with my GP. She asked me if I was having any bad thoughts and yesterday I wasn't so I was able to honestly tell her no. But today I couldn't say that but today is not my appointment day. It doesn't help that the hospitals are so crowded, many where I live are at 150% capacity or higher. So I don't really have a backup plan of going to the hospital if things get worse in my head. I have friends to talk to and I have you all here on My Support Forums (MSF). And I could possibly talk to my parents about how I am suffering now. I don't know what triggered it. I just woke up depressed. Like flipping the page on the calendar. 2 days to Christmas so Kit is depressed. Bleh.

I'm not too busy at work today so I am watching parts of Home Alone from Amazon Prime. At least that is distracting.