I am doing a little better today. Wrapped my son’s presents yesterday. Turns out I didn’t get him TOO much so that’s good. I still have to wrap RS’s surprise gift. We told each other exactly what to get for each other this year. I am receiving a beautiful new set of dishes and a penguin blanket. I bought him some random truck part that he directed me to on eBay. Don’t even know what it is but he asked for it so I delivered . But we each got a small surprise gift for each other. I got him a tee shirt and a bob Ross bobble head because he likes to watch bob Ross on YouTube when he’s really stressed. I also got him a gag gift.

If I’m up to it I plan to make some things today. I have pillsbury sugar cookie dough so that’s easy enough. Lemon cookies are easy too. I really want to make some polish cookies, kolaczki, but I’ve never made them before and I don’t have a rolling pin so we’ll see.

The reason for the polish cookies is that my cousin has been working on an ancestry project for my dad’s side of the family. My dad died when I was so young and we were never close with my nana so I didn’t know much about our history. Turns out my nana was first generation polish and my grandfather was first generation Czech. I remember my father making Czech food growing up, specifically roast pork with bamboraky, which is similar to a latke. I found a recipe for the flicky he used to make that I loved but reading it I can’t understand why I would have liked it, it sounds disgusting! Ham, egg noodles, eggs, butter, and milk/cream and nothing else! It sounds so bland. I can’t make it anyway because it would probably kill RS due to his lactose intolerance. But my mom reminded me of the knedlicky, which is a bread dumpling, and I am super excited about that. I remember eating those soaked in gravy and they were soooo delicious! I’m excited to try my hand at that. I also remember my nana made that she called footprint soup. Not sure if it was polish or not though. All I remember is it had some sort of pasta, which actually could have been a gnocchi of some sort, and I believe it had a beef broth.

There’s not much I like to remember about my childhood. I’ don’t appreciate anything about my mother at all. But my dad was a good man, and I would like that warm fuzzy feeling I would get from his cooking.

On another note, I seem to be really struggling with some dissociation recently. It’s just being physically intimate with RS, not even full intimacy but even just hugs/kisses/innocent cuddling. I just don’t feel like I’m really there. I want to, I seek comfort from him, but I just feel like it’s so far away. I don’t know what it’s about. It could be a lot of things. I brought it up with my therapist a couple of months ago but never revisited the topic. I’m not sure how to overcome it and reintegrate back into my body permanently.

Ah well. Hopefully I will be able to figure it out someday.