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Originally Posted by Have Hope
Hi @ Alive99, my apologies for not replying to your last reply to me. This week has been lost on me (due to my own emotional pain and healing process from abuse, etc). |
Hey, no worries and thanks actually. I've been in that process to a LOT. I'll go check your thread soon.
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My abusive husband kept trying to blame HIS infidelity on ME because I called the police on him one night. Well, WHY did I call the police? Because HE was screaming at ME, I got scared of him so I called 911. So, he twists around the entire situation to be MY doing... when I was reacting to HIS ABUSE towards me.
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Yup that's just crazy stuff.
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And what's so hard is to NOT allow the blame... to NOT absorb it, and to send it right back in their direction. A responsible, caring and introspective person will think, huh, maybe I DID do something wrong, and that's why they're behaving so poorly towards me.
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I just think everyone has their blind spots where they don't notice this is happening. And other things where they instantly "send it back" without even having to think about it.
So working on the blind spots helps.
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However, the KEY thing here is this: We are never responsible for someone else's behavior. We are responsible for our own behavior only - and same goes for every other person. Even if someone is angry, hurt, disappointed, enraged, upset, etc with us, they can handle their upset in a MATURE and ADULT like manner. And that means explaining to someone in a calm manner - I am hurt or disappointed by you, etc. And then discussing it openly, calmly and maturely. That's what healthy communication looks like.
Abusers and toxic people do not handle their emotions in a healthy, mature and adult-like manner. Instead, they act out their emotions in hurtful and harmful ways. This is a very dysfunctional way of being and of existing in this world - it's a dysfunctional way of dealing in interpersonal relations. So they wreak havoc wherever they go.
I am probably not saying anything you don't already know. But for me, it helps me to think of things from this perspective and to reframe a situation in this way.
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Yes, that is put really well, sure I know all this but I feel that is a good summary to put it that way, that we are not responsible for other people's behaviour. Thanks.
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I hope you can find some amount of peace during this holiday season time.... you did nothing wrong. You are not to blame for others' poor behaviors, and you are not responsible for their poor treatment of you - just remember this.
Here's to our healing journey. Hugs to you.
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Thanks for this. I know it in theory but it helps actually hearing it too. Hugs to you too!
And yeah keep going with your recovery.