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Like most of the world I've been struggling to maintain a positive attitude and good mental health during this last year. This week I threw in the towel. I effing give up.
We're supposed to make lemonade when live tosses us lemons, right? I'm sick to death of making lemonade.
Since Covid started the only people I've interacted with were co-workers, clients and strangers in stores. I don't even see co-workers much because we are working from home. Sad state of affairs when I drive to the office to hang out with the boss and office manager in order to be around people.
I'd been looking forward to spending Christmas with a friend and her relatives. The relatives had to cancel because of their states quarantine rules. At Thanksgiving I told my friend I would still come up, bringing Christmas dinner with me. Last week she mentioned she was talking to her neighbor and told her that she didn't have plans for the day. So they arranged to get together. WTF!?!?!? (PLEASE don't anyone start a discussion of why friend did this. At this point I am hurt enough that I don't give a teeny, tiny rat's arse why she did it.) This leaves me alone for the holiday. I am well aware that there are a ton of people alone this holiday. Right now I hurt and don't have any compassion left to share.
It turns out I would not have been able to go anywhere for the holiday anyway. I've been caring for a sick horse since early November. Initially it was every two hours around the clock. It's less frequently than that now, but it's still multiple times a day.
There's a productivity push on at work. There's talk of positions being cut if we don't get numbers up.
There's the unrest in this country that has gone on for months and is still going on. PUH-LEEZE do not turn this into a political discussion. It's been stressful for everyone, regardless what side of any issue you might be on. My point is that the unrest is stressful.
I've been able to roll with each thing that came along until the last few weeks. I'm usually big on focusing on what I have control over and what I don't and letting go of the stuff I have no control over. It's not working anymore. I'm physically and emotionally exhausted.
I just wanted a small reprieve to spend a few hours with other human beings doing holiday stuff. Instead I'm at home with the critters, medicating the horse and feeling left out.
The depression demon is free of its cage and stomping around my head.
Sorry, big ole pity party here.....
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