I SI'ed and then called the facilitator of my BPD group (she is in recovery from the disorder). It was the first time I ever called her, but I did so because I saw no end in sight to my SI and I needed the help. I did not call T because it was a Sunday evening and the calls automatically go straight to voicemail so he probably wouldn't have gotten the message until today. Plus, I needed to speak with someone who has been through it and could take me through my step by step skills in order to stop the behavior. However, I ended up %#@&#! up later on that night. She asked me if I could put my last razor blade somewhere that would not be very accessible to me-- so I put it in my night table drawer under a bunch of junk, knowing that if I went in to get it, I'd wake up my husband and I didn't want to do that. Well around 2 AM the impulse was too strong so I tried whatever I could find in the kitchen until I had suceeded. It was actually the first time I felt like an idiot for screwing up because I really thought I could do it this time-- just make it through the night, like she suggested. I had said I could make it through the night because I had already cut. It was the first time I felt like a failure. It makes me think that behavioral type methods for stopping cutting are not good ideas because they simply set you up for feeling worse about yourself if you fail.