I am glad Christmas is over. I've always had a hard time around this holiday, and this year is no different. Well, yes, it is very different since I'm going through a divorce.

I have such mixed emotions - he knows JUST how to push my empathy and sympathy buttons. I caved and texted him on Christmas day saying I'm sorry he's alone and that I am having a tough time too. IF I didn't say anything, then he can moan to all of his friends about what a big b-i-t-c-h I am. I know I know... who cares? Apparently I do care to a certain extent.

I woke up sad and crying again. This is SO hard - harder than I would have ever imagined. Even though it's the right decision, and even though I have felt happiness and joy again and I feel myself coming back, it's still SO hard. Holiday times do NOT help - times when you're supposed to be with loved ones - and when we were supposed to spend Christmas together.

He wrote back yesterday saying he wishes we could be together and that he loves me. I wonder - how can he possibly still say he loves me after ALL the nasty things I've called him during the last month? I've called him names, and I've told him he's a LOW LIFE and a SCUMBAG. This was during my raging period.

He just wants to come back so that he can eventually dump ME and on HIS TERMS. I am certain of that. That's what narcs do - they want to be the dumper, not the dumpee. I am sure it's hitting his huge ego pretty hard right now that I have left him.