My heart is beating so fast and hard I fear eventually I will just explode. I have so many worries that I cannot seem to overcome. Illnesses in my family and tempers have a large affect on the level of comfort I have around my 'family'. Why no one else seems to tense up and allow their mind to drift from their body in the presence of an argument (between others) is beyone my comprehension. Building strength, self-esteem and assertiveness will not help me overcome all my struggles. Will I ever get past them all? Probably not while I am breathing.Makes me wonder what the point in even trying is.

Mom is not who she used to be. Not being with her as a child, seperated from her for 7 years and spending the last 4 trying to catch up has proved unsuccessful. Shes turned selfish,mean and so spacy. MS has defeated her soul and she has given up. Can she not see she still has two daughters to raise (ages 6 &9) and 2 grown daughters that still need to build a relationship with her? No one wants me, I feel. My dad did not fight to keep me in his life even while I lived with him. He died not really knowing me. My mom does not try. MS cannot possibly affect the need to know me. Maybe she gave up on me 11 years ago when we were seperated. I do not know what I did to be unwanted but some days I feel like only my cat wants me.......because shes hungry or has an itch behind the ear. Maybe its because I don't want me.

All seems desolate when you are alone and no one is trying to come in. If someone would only knock, I would run to answer the door. For now, I should probably just hang up a wreath and pretend I am ok.