10 days of your break down, 11 to go. Not that i'm keeping track or anything

I've pretty much given up on the idea of asking for support from the MH service. Especially after reading the notes the triage person wrote. On one line she says i'm high risk, then on another she says it's non urgent. They do this every time, even though you repeatedly state in your referral letters (and the complaint) that we wouldn't be asking unless it was urgent.

I'm so tired of fending for myself, and I'm also tired of asking for help and being told no. And, even worse, having the fact that i mostly fend for myself used as justification for the no. So because i'm 'high functioning' (ugh) i shouldn't ever ask for support?? The MH service complains about being overrun with people in crisis, but here i am trying to get help in order to avoid a crisis and they say no.

Guess i need to keep my s**t together and figure out ways to feel/process/distract/ground as needed. Part of me wants to give up, to just stop fighting and trying and instead let myself go. But then i think of you saying, "while there's life, there's hope" and i delay making that decision for a little longer.