I don't know whether this is the right place to post this, so feel free to move the post or delete it.

My feelings are so over the place now. Since I've been kicked out of therapy it seems like all my system of values gets destroyed every couple of weeks. Each time, I embark on a thrilling spiritual journey to find a new meaning of life, but nothing lasts more than a couple of weeks.

First, I discovered that the only true values in life are power and money (both were of basically zero value before that). So I decided to focus all my energy on building a career and winning affection with money (understanding that my failure will lead to death). Then I chickened a bit and decided to just buy everybody a nice Christmas present and launch some fireworks on New Year Eve, so I could look up to something.

I planned so many tasks at the same time that I was falling apart from anxiety and exhaustion. And when I got them done, I started falling apart. One day I'm celebrating with my friends, joking and drinking. The next day everything's fine and I go to group therapy. Once I come back it's misery again and I can't imagine how I will last to New Year, let alone live after that. I can't find anything to live for. Then I was walking through the suburbs and it dawned how stunningly beautiful this place is. Black skies, full moon, silvery clouds, dark forest in the background, snow, and complete desolation. I felt so calm. So I took the most logical decision I could - cut out all the people from my life and roam wilderness until I die. This lasted me a couple of hours but now I can't sleep because of overwhelming sadness.

The thing that triggered me this time was that I apparently fell in love with a person who will never be able to love me back (which is exactly the thing that happens to me every time). I spent almost all year isolated at home but we managed to cycle a couple of times together and it was really the best part of the year. Then she got sick. My therapist suggested me to give her some friendly care so that we could become friends and maybe later she'll like me back. But the girl refused my gift saying she already has some fruits at home. So my therapist told me that she clearly doesn't like me and that I should stop talking to her and accept that I will forever be lonely or I instead could start dating a chatbot because I'm just too unattractive for real girls.

This basically broke me. I didn't stop talking to this girl (she's my coworker btw). We both liked going to a gym and skiing before the pandemic, so I thought I could arrange something to spend time together. I have no idea whether she likes chatting with me (which is likely a sign she doesn't). In the end, she refused both proposals citing COVID and I basically plunged into full despair mode.

P.S. as I was writing this post, she messaged me back after 2 days of silence, so I'm confused as hell. It just goes to show how unstable I'm at this point.

Sorry for such a long post, wishing you all the best