Hey everyone. I have been tracking my own mental health for as long as I can remember. I distinctly remember one of my first panic attacks in the 4th grade, though I now believe I've struggled with this my whole life.

Background:
My family is unsupportive and not close. My father is an alcoholic. My parents were not emotionally supportive or open growing up, and I could never tell them how bad things were. I attempted suicide once at 14 and again at 21. after the second attempt, I began my therapy/medicine journey. It has been an uphill battle since.

Reasons why:
For as long as I can remember, I would wake up and wonder if it was a "good week" or a "bad" one. Good weeks would mean Happy Shannon, can be a good student, great friend, good daughter/niece/etc. I was happy, in a good mood, and could handle a lot. Bad weeks were anger, lots and lots of anger. Crying, easily being set off, unrelenting anxiety and panic attacks. My mother didn't believe in mental health care when I brought up that I wasn't "feeling good" aka kept thinking about dying. So I turned to sex, doing drugs, and self-harm. I've been on many different medication, so many I can't tell you all the names, to no actual relief. I am now on a more consistent prescription cocktail, with some relief, but not enough.

I am currently on;
50 mgs of Paroxetine daily
150 buproprion daily
20 mg Propranolol for panic attacks as needed
10 mg ambien to sleep (currently out, am NOT sleeping)

One moment I feel like I can survive life, the next moment I am Furious or Defeated or just so Sad. Does this resonant with anyone else's experience? No doctor has diagnosed me as bipolar, but I don't think i've not attended one physician long enough to have them see my switches. Suicidal thoughts and Anger (or PANIC) has been what I see "taking turns" in my head. But I'm at a loss.

Thank you for any insights.