though I do continue to struggle with the automatic responses, and cleaning up after, when i realize it was a reaction and not a reponse. ( I think of Reaction as automatic, no thought, while a response is thought out)
For example: When I was in the military, my Sgt, had decided to transfer me to another company. The commander (whom was like a friend to me) had walked me over to meet my new Commander. While walking over, I started crying, I had no idea why and even was getting upset with myself for having tears and not acting my early 20 something age I was. I was embarrased that the two commanders had to see me like this, and I was worried I was goint to get in trouble some how. I even told myself to quite crying, and it was impossible. It was so automatic. It was the feeling and or act of being abandoned by the commander, it was such a familiar feeling, but I was so confused because I did not believe I was ever abandoned. I was adopted at age 3 months and now believe I remember it in a sense of feelngs and or sensations. I know that having had therapists, friends, teachers and anyone that had to move on due to circumstances, that feeling and sensation was brought right back. I would get depressed and cry like a baby calling for their mom. I understand now, but even being in my 40's now, I have still experienced it when the pandemic caused us to move from in person to virutal sessions with my therapist. It takes over and I was not in a good place for about a month even though I was seeing her weekly virutal. Then it was worse when insurance issue started and now I see her monthly until it gets straightend out. I was really bad for about a month. And I go through the same thing every month after seeing her. It has gotten slightly better, but I feel myself going to a bad place, and know it will be for about a week or 2. I now try to be more undersanding to myself and to do more self care. It's hard to think that there is a part of me that is still highly affected by abandoment issues at 46.

However, these responses for me are not always so cut and dry. I am trying to work more on a continuous grounding myself daily. Lately it seems I feel more apathetic and so the grounding work is not helpful. Feeling more robotic vs alive and real.