So I am new here but looking for a little support. I suffered from sexual assault between the ages of 8 and 12 by a close family member, who also got other family members involved. I was never raped but I was violated and more than once. Infact every time this person came round to my mothers house something would happen. They stopped visiting as much as I got a little older, so it stopped happening. I do not know if it would have continued or not. But at 13 I spoke out. Which I still regret doing to this day.

I told school. Who obviously informed my mother. It caused a huge argument in the family. And instead of support I felt guilty. Family friendships were severed and it was my fault for speaking out. I do not believe that my family even believe me that it happened. Not even to this day. My sister came to me when I was in my late 20s and asked me if what I said actually happened. I was so hurt that she even had to ask, especially as she also experienced childhood abuse (not by the same people),

I never received any support for it. Never offered couselling I am pretty certain I was not believed by anyone. It caused my behaviour in my teens to plummet. I ended up excluded from school at 15, then pregnant by a much older man. Finally ending up in an abusive relationship for 11yrs. At no time have I ever dealt with what has happened to me. At family gatherings this person is always there. I am expected to remain civil and be polite. My sister goes to see him often buying him and his kids presents etc. So does my mother, enjoy socialising with them all.

I was fine. I had buried this and I was coping. If my family didnt believe me and if they all wanted to be friends like nothing ever happened. Then I was fine with that, I just did not have to be involved. I live 200 miles from any family, I only have to see people on my terms when I want to. Yes its lonely, yes sometimes I feel a little isolated. But I have my children and in most parts I am happy. However is it weird that sometimes I feel insanely sad that I cannot go to these family get togethers and I cannot be involved. My children will never know all their family, because I refuse to socialise with them. Yes it pains me a lot, when my sisters kids tell my kids stories of their aunties and uncles that give them tons of presents and treat them special. My kids will never have that. Anyway I was coping with all of that and I was ok.

But recently I watched a video on childhood trauma and secondary abuse. I believe I have suffered secondary abuse with the way I was forced to sweep it under the carpet and pretend like it never happened. Now every night I lay in bed trying to sleep, I keep getting flashbacks.

Its horrible and really disturbing me. I do not suffer depression, or anything. However I do get panic attacks in social situations. But these flashbacks take me right back to the abuse and I am not sure how to handle them. They are making me remember very vividly what happened. Stuff I had locked away. With covid finding a therapist is impossible. I cannot afford the prices they charge for private therapy I would have to go through the NHS.

I am currently dating someone. I am unsure whether I should tell him what happened. Or whether that puts too much pressure on him. Part of me feels he needs to know in case I ever get triggered when I am with him, but the other part says why bring this into my relationship. I coped fine before. I do not want him feeling pity for me or seeing me as damaged or broken.

How do other people cope? I know I am not the only one that has had to deal with this sort of thing.