I’m so awfully depressed. It started last Tuesday at the moderate level. Then it was at a mild level up until yesterday. Then a straight plummet into moderate severe by Monday AM. I am not sure why. I thought last Tuesday was just hormonal but that should have moved on by now. Monday night I had a dream about self harm. Every time I have a dream like that I wake up distressed.

I was very low yesterday morning but got excited when I saw two houses up for sale in my son’s district. I tried to get in contact with our loan officer but they said they’d call back in 24-48 hours. So maybe today. The two houses are nice looking in pictures but houses are being snapped up quick in my area so even if we get approved for a larger loan it might turn out that the houses already accepted offers.

By nightfall I was horribly low and distressed again. High anxiety. I felt out of control with anxiety and emotion and I held on to RS for quite a long time as if my life depended on it. Didn’t tell him exactly why, I’m still not good at that. But I was so overwhelmed all I want to do was harm myself or take more meds to put me to sleep so I didn’t have to deal with it anymore.

Eventually after I took two Xanax (my prescribed amount) I calmed down enough to fall asleep but I feel terrible this morning as well. I just want to curl up under my blankets. I’m going to try to be productive since there’s still a lot of Christmas cleanup to be done but right now all I can do I think is sit in this chair.