I am struggling... right now... as in no other time in my life..

frightened out of my mind... searching for answers....

answers... to "who am I".... at 52 ... "who am I"... "is there any quality of life out there?".....

my 23... years of therapy... have been about divorcing.. a very abusive husband... and raising a baby by myself... having a job.. that I worked almost enitrely with men... and juggling a difficult on-call schedule.. for work... and taking care of a parent.. that had a damaged heart - all of her life...deaths of parents... multiple surgeries... chronic illness of my son... an eating disorder...

so... it has been 23 years of therapy - well spent.... supporting other people... making their lives work....while I put mine on hold...

Prior to this therapist... I was in therapy... for 4 years.. with a therapist that did not believe in DID....

I was in therapy with her... because I had no money - I had not yet been approved for SSDI... the clinic took a silding fee... plus... for some the therapy was free...

So... right now... my T and I are sorting thru the damage that was caused by the therapy... and yes... for the past 3 weeks.. this has been the source of conflict.. as we have sorted thru it...

My... comments... and such about headaches.. and about coping skills... I believe are about me... re-gaining my self-confidence...

To be told that you do "not exist".... and that... anyone can be made to be DID... was trauma ridden...she told me over and over and over again....

And WHO.... WHO>.... wants to hear about my fear... my terror... my believing for 4 years... I was out of my mind... because I had been told I was DID... and suddenly... this Therapist said "NOT">... there is no such thing... they do not teach it anymore in schools...

SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO... I spent.... 4 years thinking.. OK.. I am hearing voices... and... previous pdocs.. therapists have been brainwashing me... whoaaaaaaaaaaaaaa...

and why didn't I quit... because I was deathly ill... my eating disorder... bringing me to the... very edge... selling my home... to buy another to downsize.... you name it.. I went thru it... breast lumps...
the death of my abuser...

so.... yes... I am scared out of my mind...

it started about 3 weeks ago... and it contiunes...

and if I were allowed... i would scream... and scream.. and scream....

it is very..... very.... hard to hold on... and not self destruct...