Hi,

I have been reading through several other's posts on various forums and realize my story does not compare, but my therapist thought I should reach out to a group just to get some perspective.

I am 37 years old, have no children and just crossed the two year anniversary mark with my wife (3.5 year relationship). In the past year we had two subsequent miscarriages, losing our dog (herse of 14 years), followed by infidelity on her part and now pretty definite path to divorce. We are not communicating and it has become somewhat of a cold war. I know where this will go, but I am left wondering how we got here, and was there anything real to the relationship.

and technically met my wife in college. As a kid fresh off the farm I was just stunned by how gorgeous she was; but obviously I was still getting a handle of my own self confidence at that time, so never made a move and instead introduced her to a friend of mine that was also interested in her. Fast forward 15 years later. I am a much different person having gone through the trials and tribulations of relationships, career development and ultimately self discovery and self satisfaction. We had occasionally run into each other over the years, but had both been in relationships when we did so there was never any thought of that type of connection. One time on a business trip we happened to be in the same city on the other side of the world, caught up for a drink, and something was different. Happenstance led to me being in Los Angeles several weeks later for work (where she is living) where we continued to connect. We would chat via text quite often and then started to talk about why we never dated in college. This grew to casual flirting over the idea of having a date which ended up in me last minute buying a ticket to come see her for 12 hrs. Things seemed to accelerate from there. We would talk endlessly about goals, values, and aspirations. This led to talks about having a family, meeting friends, meeting family. All things that in previous relationships I had been cautious about speeding into; honestly I had been burned in my younger years and was very protective of introducing anyone into my family or fully putting a relationship first over what was rational. But something seemed different and it was that different feeling when you know this is supposed to be the right one. As people in our mid-30's, once we figured that out we moved forward, got engaged, arranged the wedding, I uprooted my work and career to be in Los Angeles with her, etc.

The marriage wasn't easy, but I never imagined any are when you are adjusting to each other's lives. We had different communication styles; she is stoic, I tend to be very open emotionally. But we would work with couples counseling just because we wanted to make sure we didn't hit any pitfalls. I had seen my sister's marriage degrade from communication issues and my wife was big proponent of therapy having been a psych major. But all in all, I thought things were normal.

Fast forward to right before Covid when we started trying to have a baby. We got pregnant very easily and found out around one month after her sister found out she was pregnant too. We were excited but a little nervous. Unfortunately this unraveled with a miscarriage a week after seeing the baby's heartbeat. We talked to all the doctors (all our parents are doctors of some variety and her mom is an obgyn) and they said this just happens. Once we got the ok to try again we got pregnant immediately again, and subsequently went through the same process of losing the baby. The first miscarriage my wife took it really hard and we just sat at home and I would hold her and talk to her when she would fall apart. I would shield her from her parents because she couldn't handle dealing with them at that time. The second miscarriage she closed off emotionally and treated it like it was all business. She wanted her mom's involvement contrary to what she had told me, so we butted heads and I was unsure how I could help. We saw our couples therapist again, and things seemed fine although as I look back at all those times, my wife still holds back any sadness when speaking with the therapist.

We carry on through Covid lockdown pretty well. We stay in most of the time except for a tennis coach we had befriended before lockdown and would go to lessons for. We purchase a new house in anticipation of trying again and starting a family. We went to all the doctors and got the a-ok. And then our dog develops dementia and starts having serious issues. Eventually in July we had to put her down bc she was constantly in a state of panic and quality of life had gone down to zero. I guess I should mention that through the last 14 years, our dog was my wife's only consistent companion, and I would joke that she loved her more than she loved me.

For the next month she is acting similar to the way she did after the second miscarriage. Stoic and reserved. I try to hold my own grief in and just be there for her and acknowledge when she does admit she is sad. I try to come up with a birthday celebration for her that would distract her. I talk to our tennis coach who recommends a tennis ball machine that would help my wife. I make sure we don't have anyone over bc my wife tends to be introverted and wasn't ready to see everyone after our dog's passing. The day of though she just seems distant and I feel dejected. I try to take it in stride, but the next day we end up fighting over that, my sister's own impending divorce, how she feels about our dog's death and then it just erupts. We don't talk for days and she cold shoulders me to the point where I leave to my old place up in Oregon so we can have a breather. I come back down and its worse and she is talking about how everything is not right and we aren't working and she needs me to admit that. I am totally confused how we went off rails and just try to be there and listen to what she is saying. But eventually she asks me to leave again.

I go back to Oregon and several days later get an alert from one of our security cameras. Our tennis coach's dog is at our place. I start to grow suspicious and start to see odd things. Her not staying at our place, her talking on the phone alot of evenings, those conversations growing borderline inappropriate. I finally gather enough evidence to realize she has started an affair with our tennis coach, but I'm just shocked by this fact. My wife throughout our relationship made a few things clear, she did not date anyone younger, she did not date anyone who drove a prius, she did not date anyone who couldn't take care of their own self, she didn't date anyone shorter or smaller than her. This man was all of that and then some. I never perceived him to be a threat because he seemed so benign (the word my wife used to describe him when she said why she never thought her earlier interaction with him was wrong). I am not a model of perfection, but this man was the complete opposite of me in every aspect in a manner that I cannot justify as attractive to anyone. I could go on about some other legal aspects about him, but I feel like I would be focusing on the axe I have to grind.

I confronted her and at first she denied, but then I entered the details and she opened up. Saying it wasn't about him, that she thought I had blamed her for the second miscarriage, she broke down crying saying that she loved me and would always love me, that we needed to divorce, that she didn't trust herself anymore, that it never was sexual but that shouldn't matter bc it was still an affair, etc. We would talk for the next couple days, where she would whip from being very defensive and cagey to saying she was sorry and she knows this is all her fault etc. When I had confronted her it was my intention to demand a divorce, but at this point I was confused. She remained consistent on the theme that we should get divorced. But one night she cooked me dinner just so we could talk and then things got ugly. She told me that she had found out that our second miscarriage had been a boy but she had never shared that information. She had kept it to herself so that I wouldn't be hurt. I had a little wine in me and broke down, and then I let all my emotions out. I don't remember everything I said, but I accused her of being selfish and self centered, and just another spoiled rich brat. That was the last real conversation we had. Since then she has moved into the new house we were supposed to eventually be in while I remained in our condo. We have had little interactions, but some things have happened. Originally she said she had told the tennis coach that they would not interact anymore, I suspect that the relationship continued. I found out she installed spy cameras in the condo and snuck in a few times unannounced (we had agreed she would give me notice before coming in) when I was not there. She has also engaged in some other behavior that baffles me and leaves me wondering if she honestly had a psychological break just bc of the risks it poses to her, her family reputation and her career.

I am left just worrying about her state of being, depressed over the family I lost and wondering how this all happened. I know I skimmed over a lot of relevant details including her relationship dynamic with her parents as well as her past dating history.