I know this is hard but it’s important to consider their age. Your father has your mother trained and she doesn’t realize this role she has taken on. I saw this dynamic in my own parents. My parents passed away about a year and a half ago now. My parents were almost 95 and 93. I am 64 and all this talk about narcissists and codependency and enabling did not come up when I was younger and your mother more than likely has not been educated about the role she plays in this unhealthy dynamic. And it would probably be hard for her to learn how to live differently.

My father kept saying he did not have a problem because he did not drink everyday. Later when I learned about alcoholism and they actually know much more now I learned how this disease progresses. I also learned that after my fathers drinking on the weekends when his body was withdrawing he experienced bad moods.

I remember my mother complaining about it many times. Around the time my father was your fathers age he drank every nite. My father’s father was an alcoholic that drank daily and my father felt that if he did not do that then he was not an alcoholic. I also remember my mother hiding alcohol knowing if she didn’t my father would drink it.

The nature of this disease is denial, denial, denial. Also lack of true self awareness and emotional immaturity and self absorption.

It’s a very lonely existence for the wife and children. The husband and father is there but not truly present. It’s even worse when an alcoholic is an angry drunk prone to rages.

For myself the conversations I have had with my older brother have been listening to his anger. Given that we grew up in the same environment he needs to vent his anger in his grieving since my father passed away. I try my best to listen and comfort him. This means accepting that he feels what he feels as that was not considered when he was growing up.

With alcoholics it’s all about THEIR feelings and not yours. They are not AWARE of that either. However they can learn how to fake that they care. It’s part of the narcissistic nature of the disease.