This apathetic feeling is here to stay. Tried to use Touchpoints to sleep, the clickers, and i was getting tired only to get out of the bed to use restroom and upon my return, my dog was just irritating me,and I was so annoyed that I took the clickers off. Tonight not going to sleep, why because I am drinking. Its been about 3 or 4 months since I drank and afraid that its getting easier to reach for a drink now a days. The attitude that I dont care, I am sad to say that my youngest son has been ready to come back to see me since he has been at his dad's with the possiblity that his dad's wife had gotten covid but was a head cold. And when he reached out to me for getting my son back, I did not jump on the opportunity. I know in my heart of heart that I would of and should of, but did not. I just need to be alone. is it bad to say that I wish my oldest would move out...he is depressed with no job and doesnt care to get a job, and I am tired of supporting him. I cant bring myself to tell him so. It would crush him as he feels his dad doesnt love or support him, would not want to add to that unecessarily. I am have had two hard apple cider's and feel so numb. Amazing that during our last session earlier this month, I was happy to see you, and now, It does not phase me at all if i do. I hate this time of year!!!! I bought 30 lottery scratch off tickets. I was going to buy $96 worth, but there was a line behind me so only bought $40 worth, and started to think about gambling more. Go to a casino when it opens. or look in to one if they are open river boats again. what to do tonight...drink... and maybe pass out?? What are you doing??