@Alive99,

No worries - take your time!

And I am not sure what you mean by putting the whole experience in my normal sense of reality and integrate it emotionally so that it feels like a normal thing to forgive?

Nothing was normal about the experiences I had. The two past abusers I had forgiven wreaked absolute havoc in my life.

One of them is an ex fiance. I got engaged to him. But after several months of living together and of severe abuse from him, I had to kick him out of the home. He became homeless. He was homeless when I took him in and decided to support him to help him get back on his feet. In the end, I learned that he was a pathological liar, he stole from me, he hid drugs from me, he did drugs secretly in our home without my knowing, he's an abusive alcoholic, and then he cheated on me in the end. He was a total nightmare so nothing is normal about it.

The other guy I literally had to flee from for my own safety and well being. I was living with him. He used to chase me around the home, yelling at me and screaming at me in a very frightening manner. There is so much more. He is another narcissist and abused me severely. Having to flee from a man's home for your safety is not normal.

It took me YEARS to get to the point of wanting to forgive them.

Forgiving took a conscious decision and effort on my part. I cannot integrate these severely abusive situations normally into my reality. They are experiences I had, however, that have taught me what abuse is, what the red flags are to be aware of, to have stronger boundaries and to have even greater self love and self respect. I have learned to love myself MORE than any need to have a relationship.

So, I've been able to process my way through these abusive situations and come to a place of greater peace and acceptance about them. They happened, and I accept that part. I accept MY responsibility and role as well in allowing these men to even enter my life. I ignored red flags - I wasn't even aware of what red flags meant at the time. But I also ignored my initial GUT reactions to these men.

So, the lesson in life for me from these experiences, including with my current soon to be ex husband, is not to ignore any red flags, to pay attn, to these flags, and to walk away from someone EARLY ON when I notice a red flag. Another lesson for me is to love myself so much that I will not allow anyone to cross my boundaries.

So, I suppose I arrived at a place mentally and emotionally whereby I was able to:

1) accept that the abuse happened
2) take responsibility for my role in it
3) forgive myself
4) learn the lessons meant to be learned from these experiences
5) forgive them for being the broken and hurtful people that they are
6) release all the pain of the experiences

I hope this helps.