That you found yourself saying: he appalls and disgusts me and is a despicable human being. makes me think you are also dealing with an anxious sort of depression IMO, while it might be good to express feelings like this once, if you are doing this over and over, you need help with this. I know you are getting care for you mental health issues. Have you been talking to them about your anger issues? I know you have been viewing many videos about narcissism. Have you viewed these?