Thanks for your post, TunedOut.

I knew there was a chance something could happen to the car. I knowingly factored that risk into my decision to lend her the car. I did tell her that, if something happens, it happens . . . and I won't be mad. Over the years, I've had a few cars of mine totaled out in accidents - where my degree of fault varied from none to all-my-fault. I never saw it as something to boohoo about excessively. I just thanked heaven that no one was hurt in any of those crashes.

If she called and said that she or a family member or friend had been in an accident, then the loss would not have been as hard on me. It hurt more to see that the car had been just crapped on over and over. It took repeated, severe, deliberate abuse to do what was done to this vehicle. There were no major exterior new dents indicating any accident. This vehicle went through successive stages of being worse and worse trashed. All the while, we exchanged occasional texts, where she said the car was okay. To see such wanton waste upset me.

Her problems are likely way worse than mine. I learned she was having marital problems. (Because she told me so.) I think she has people in her life that she tried to help by lending out the car, and they had no respect for her. Then she was probably ashamed to contact me. I don't even need her to feel bad or to feel sorry. I gave her charge of something that she just couldn't maintain responsibility for. Her life is probably chaotic in other ways. I'm glad I'm not her. I way over-estimated what she was capable of handling. I suspect she is actually an abuse victim.

Thanks for understanding that, right now, this is more a sentimental wound than anything else. Like you, I never assume that anything I lend is ever coming back. I was raised by a parent who instilled that in me, for which I am very grateful.

My bf is beyond being hurt by this. Nobody is going to be mad at me for this. Handing the car over to a stranger was no safer than leaving it on the street by me would have been (which I could have done.) That's one of the lessons to take away. I'm always advising other PC members that it takes a LOT of time in knowing someone before you can have the least idea about what they can be trusted with. I knew I was taking a wild gamble. But the outcome still surprised me.

I'm not going to claim my capacity to trust has been demolished by this. It hasn't been. I was willfully living with my head in LaLa land. I put too much temptation in the path of a family with signs of serious dysfunction. This aid always showed up late for work - like WAY late. In future I won't blow off that kind of unreliability as a minor foible. That level of disorganization, which she displayed, is likely a sign of deeper, more pervasive problems. I'm still grateful to her for the help she provided when our previous aid got suddenly very sick, and this gal stepped in to help with care that involved heavy lifting. I liked her, and I made excuses for her unreliability. I kind of idealized her. In future, I think I'll keep more detached emotionally, in assessing someone who seems like my hero of the day.

Tomorrow I need to get dressed and wash the dishes and look for paperwork I need for court. I can't justify being all despondent and bedridden, just because of a material loss that doesn't even create much hardship for me.

Yesterday, I kinda wasted almost $50 on Uber. Next I've got to possibly spend money getting the car towed. Financially, I'll manage okay. Emotionally, I'm floundering. I appreciate any support.