@anonymous37913, I feel much the same as you do. . Am currently going through a divorce from my narcissistic husband of 36 years; I had begun therapy for myself off and on several years ago, and that was when I realized, it isn't just me; he has issues too, and his behavior was killing my inner spirit and adding to the trauma my own neglectful mother piled onto me. 2020 REALLY opened my eyes to all the problems in our marriage that I had tried to fix by myself, things he didn't see a need to address or repair, and I'd finally had enough. I left him in July, and filed for divorce in September. It's not going to be easy, as I can't afford an attorney, and state legal aid has stopped taking in new cases, so I pro se in this divorce, and have to spend a lot of time and energy researching and putting this together. The ex-jerk has all the money, makes 3x what I do, and he hired an attorney. Goody for him.. I'm getting by okay financially, the Universe seems to know what I need right when I need it, but emotionally, It's a rollercoaster.

As time has passed, I have more good days than bad; but my first holiday season alone since before I met him has been so difficult, between COVID and the divorce. So many triggers I didn't expect! We have three adult kids and a grandson, and I haven't been able to see any of them as much as I need to. But I have my dog, and recently, have reconnected with old friends I'd known before I met him, people he managed to isolate me from .

I was shocked and happy to learn from one of those friends today, that he and all the rest of my old friends have never forgotten about me and still love and care about me. I've had no idea all these years! He and some of our other friends never understood why I married the guy; he told me they had had concerns about my ex way back then. They sensed something untrustworthy or "off" about him. Even my mom, who had issues of her own, was not completely comfortable with my ex, and tried to warn me away from him. But what 20 year old kid listens to the parent who emotionally abused them for years? I ignored her, I ignored my friends. Sadly, it's all so much clearer now, in hindsight. I am relieved to know that I am still loved and not forgotten. And the love my old friends are showing me feels really weird-- a good weird, but foreign-- because I think what I'm getting from them is what real love actually looks and feels like. Not what I thought I'd had for the last 40+ years, especially in my marriage.

A lot of emotions today!! The holidays seem to have set me back somewhat, I thought I was making good healing progress. I'm learning to just sit with the emotions, and allow myself to feel them, and let them pass, but it is a really hard thing to do, since I was conditioned for so long to stuff everything and pretend, just "going along to get along". This rewiring of my brain, this retraining and deconstructing the false self, and discovering the real Me. is so difficult!

So, not to diminish what YOU are feeling....just want to let you know, you are NOT alone. CPTSD or PTRS, I think some have called it, is real, and it is going to take us some time and some work to turn things around and fully heal! I am right there with you, @anonymous37913, and I truly think we are going to make it through this somehow. (((hugs))) :-)