In reading your reaction to how you feel Rose IMO it is a lot deeper than "just a car" too. Our parents came from the generation that lived through the depression and that generation really appreciated whatever they had and they respected the value of what they had and took good care of what they had. Whenever that generation got anything they took good care of it and they also raised their children to respect and appreciate what was in the home and even the car. Charity was valued and important too and we learned to take care of and respect the things others gave us. When someone gave us something we were raised to take care of whatever it was to show respect and appreciation. Growing up many of us who did not care and have respect for things given to us were encouraged to feel guilt.

When you shared how you saw that doll in the garbage that it upset you and you wanted to "rescue" it, that is reflecting how deeply it was instilled in you how important it was to take care of something you owned. Often a doll is not just discarded like that, but instead taken care of and given to another child when the child is done playing with it or outgrows it.

My parents who grew up during the depression often had to appreciate any toy they got, often even getting ONE toy was a big deal because many parents were poor and even being able to eat meat was a big deal or having enough food and the bare necessities was a big deal. My parent's generation grew up learning how to be resourceful.

I bet this feeling you have about this car not being taken care of goes way back for you and it's not really just a car but something deeply instilled in you from an early age. I believe you that you feel that your SO would be angry and how that car was important to him and he made it a point to keep it nice. Even though he got to a point where he could not drive, he was allowed to have his car. Truth is, even when a person can't drive a car as was the case with my parents, the car represents something very important to that person and it was so nice that you never got rid of it while your SO was still alive. There is more to how you felt than an object so I want to respect that challenge as it's a very real challenge. I don't want to dismiss what I feel is a geninue challenge because there is definitely "more" to it that deserves respect. And you are right in that it isn't about the money aspect, instead it's about respecting something that someone you deeply cared about treasured.

I would have been very upset myself Rose. In fact, I have actually been traumatized with what I experienced when it came to all I went through when it came to the last years of my parent's lives. I actually saw your thread because I have been so depressed that I wanted to talk about it in this forum. I also have been struggling again and have been emotionally exhausted and have this sentiment where I feel that the response could be and has been "it's just stuff". Yet, it's not just stuff and I want to say that I am impressed that you have such a deep level of respect as that isn't respected the way it should be.

Even before my parent's passed the amount of disrespect I suffered through was incredible. There were times I distanced because it got so horrible. The top of my list that was important to me was to be able to visit my parent's home and have privacy to sit and mourn them. It was especially important to me given that there isn't any graves I could visit privately. So my parent's home was much like your SO's car that they spent years paying for and it was important to them. I was not prepared to finally get inside and see all their things out on tables and how their home was so invaded and pulled apart. I was not prepared to have my sister totally disrespect my space and desire to have privacy either. Truth is, what I experienced did deeply traumatize me and yet the response I got was wanting me to dismiss that and not care. Truth is, I STILL desire having time and privacy to sit with what is left and mourn. And when anyone dismisses that need, I genuinely feel that what my parents meant to me personally is not being respected.

I admire how you respect your SO as much as you do, that you loved him despite his imperfections, and that you were so loyal to him right down to his last breath. I am very sorry that you had to see something you knew was important to him disrespected. I do know how that can bring about some very deep and challenging emotions including guilt about something that was deeply instilled that is so hard to put into words.

However, the truth is Rose that it's very human to have these feelings about respecting another person's possessions. We discover this all the time when we find ancient graves of individuals that were buried with the things that were important to them during their lives. It's certainly not any crime that you would feel the way you feel at all. It's actually very touching that you have this amount of respect. I also think that as you share about how this happened that you are more than likely right where this woman you gave this car to was not respected and that it was not her that caused the damage you saw. It's nice that you have the ability to consider that as some people don't have that kind of thoughtful patience and may just direct their anger at a person that doesn't deserve it. It shows you have true ability to be "considerate" and that consideration is genuine. Actually Rose, this is most likely why your father wanted you around him more than your siblings too. It was because you had the ability to be considerate and you still have that which is why it's been so hard to sort through all these items in your apartment.

It's not a crime that you struggled with this experience and you felt a lot of challenging emotions about it. That it even tired you out to the point where you left your dishes dirty for a few days. It was good that you found that man to help you organize, he had a presence that fit for you in that he has the ability to be considerate. Considerate of the gravity of the job, being efficient where he accomplishes what you pay him to accomplish and showing patience and consideration as well.

I think that where ever your SO is, he would be touched by the consideration you have in how he would feel about his car. Yet, he is someplace where that car is no longer important. He certainly would be touched by how even with him gone you remain so very considerate of who he was and that you felt so much for him to be so incredibly considerate.

I am not doing very well myself right now so I hope my input gives this challenge the respect it deserves. I admire your level of respect and consideration. And it’s ok to feel and work through this where you find your own sense of resolve.