Hey,

For my whole life I kind of felt out of place or just wrong as a person. I can't seem to make friends or fit in anywhere because I am wierd. Everytime I talk to other people I never feel like having found people that can relate to what I am feeling or thinking.

So after many bad experiences and my problems of fiting in I have started to hate myself. I dealt with this feelings by working against myself or destroying myself.
I did self harm to control my anger. I took drugs everytime I felt like I hated myself.
It feels like an urge to do something against myself. Anything at all.

For a nearly 2 years now I haven't done something like mentioned above. But the urge still appears from time to time.

Does anyone know why this happens or why I feel the need to harm myself?
And how do I stop this urge once and for all?

I working on my self esteem but it doesn't really stick. It always shifts from acceptance to self hatred again and I don't want this to happen though all my life. Because it is hard to build relationships without some sort of self esteem or confidence.