I am doing alright – I’m just struggling to get a grip on who it is I want to be. I know that’s a weird statement but the thing is, I’m never a good fit for anything. I either have to conform to a society and lifestyle that isn’t who I am or continue to be alone – there isn’t a middle ground there. Decency, honesty, and compassion just aren’t part of the societal vocabulary for where I’m “supposed to belong”. I don’t think I’ve ever been part of any relationship (friendship, group etc.) that has ever accepted me for being uniquely me. I have such a hard time with that sometimes. I’m always being opposed, I’m always having to fight, and for what? To simply say I deserve to exist? I roll over and take it because I just don’t have energy to fight – but I won’t give up my dignity and integrity or morals. That said, it means I’m not going to live out my life in a way that I do not see for myself just to appease others so that I may get affection in return.

I know I’m being vague, but I hope my point isn’t lost in that. It’s no specific situation. It’s not work, home, friends, etc and yet it’s all of it. I don’t even see the point in trying to find someone to talk to or try to fit in. It ends poorly. On more than one occasion I have tried using apps to make friends – being very upfront I am looking for friendship and nothing more. On multiple occasions I have met someone and we talked in the park or had lunch and I would have a good time and the moment the meeting was over I was blocked. That really hurts the psyche. I don’t know what I did wrong. I just don’t know. In those cases, it’s hard to place the blame on them. They knew from the get-go (unless they just didn’t believe me) I wasn’t looking for anything but a friend…. So what happened? Clearly the premise of being friends is viable until they met me in person….

That’s nothing recent, but it’s just an example of why I don’t like dealing with people. Plus it’s like a needle in the haystack to find someone decent anymore. Someone who acts like a civil human being or doesn’t embody every negative aspect of humanity and magnifies it by x1000. We shouldn’t have to sacrifice core values of what we believe in order to experience and know any form of love and affection. I’m not talking religion, I’m not talking politics, I’m not talking general world view. I’m talking about just being a decent person. You know? Anyway…

Today I’ve just been in my own little rabbit hole of emotion. This world is far too dramatic for my taste – adults and teenagers in the YouTube comments share so much ideologically these days it’s quite sickening. Lol. There’s just too much there I don’t wanna touch, but we could talk for days on the topics that flow out of that one statement. Lol. I’m just hoping the world gets a more tolerant and rational head on its shoulders.